So the question of ‘why can I take care of everyone else and not myself? why can I love everyone else and not myself?’ is answered. And still, what exactly do I do with that? I feel like I am separated from myself, I feel like I am split into pieces and not united into one whole. And I wonder… I run around in my head and bump into different versions of myself, and I wonder if there was a time when there was only one. And I wonder who I was back then… and I wonder what I could have been. And why does no one care? Why does no one care? I suffocate in front of their eyes, I collapse to the floor at their feet, I am pouring tears and I am screaming blood and yet they stare right through me… And the whispers of imaginary therapists float through my ears and land on my lips and tell me that they never will care, that it will only ever be me caring, that it will be my responsibility now and forever to fix things. 165Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9Z8BLRzPx
And the sweet, saccharine girl who wanders through my head takes snapshots of the color of leaves bathed in sunshine, collects bouquets of roadside flowers and leaves them in dug-up bottles placed delicately upon the tables of my soul, writes the vibrant smells of the air into my skin, turns my favorite poems into the colors of the sky… and she paints and works and sings while she does it, she ties ribbons in her hair and does clumsy pirouettes in circles around my heart.
But the poison of the world seeps in through my skin… and I see the sky and I do not think of flying anymore, and I see the trees and pass them by, and the sun shines on my skin and I do not even notice it, don’t feel it at all. Because how am I supposed to view the world with lovely eyes when my emotions have been swept off a counter and taken out with the trash? How am I supposed to think of dancing when I am lost within empty space, where everything feels just ever so slightly off, where I cannot seem to fit into any sort of shape, even the ones I create for myself?
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