I never was good at expressing my emotions. Was I defective? Was my brain broken? Was I incapable of feeling the emotions every human was born with? I asked myself these questions so many times but I could never find a good answer. Instead I observed the others I called my friends.
I watched them laugh and I, in turn, laughed with them. When they were sad or heartbroken I would shed tears and console them. They'd call and say they were lonely and I too would agree and we'd meet up. But I never understood why we laughed or cried or apologized or congratulated people.
Then you came along. You turned my world upside down even when, at the time, I had know idea what that meant. You were patient and taught me many things. You smiled when, for the first time, I grew frustrated. You laughed when I finally found what it meant to be happy.
Whenever I was with you, I was at my best. I shared the new found emotions with many friends but even as we laughed together, it wasn't as meaningful as it was when you were with me.
You came through and hit me like a hurricane. I'd built up a wall and locked everyone else out but you slipped through the cracks, unnoticed. When the guards to the doors finally captured you, it was too late. You had broken every wall, every barricade, and every fortification I had built.
And I couldn't have thanked you enough.
But just like the seasons changed, we did too. You fell ill and although I visited you every day I had in the hospital, it still wasn't enough. You were as pale as the falling winter snow but as warm as the summer sun. I knew it wouldn't be long before you left me. Alone.
When I confronted you with my fears all you did was give me that smile. That vibrant and summer filled smile and told me not to worry. That before you left you'd teach me two more things after this was all over.
And sure enough, on the night of a blizzard, when it was impossible to reach you, you disappeared forever. You'd gone with a smile on your lips and for the first time in a long time, I knew what it meant to feel sorrow.
Now I stare at this picture, years after my beloved left. I understand the last things she was trying to teach me.
The first being, that when you give your heart to someone, always treasure them. You never know when they could be taken away from you and be turned into a memory.
The second. There is pain in giving your heart away because although it is inevitable, you will give your emotions to that one special person. And that, when they're gone, nothing ever feels right. Something always feeling very, very slightly wrong. But we must live on because until the moment we return to them, it is imperative to remember.
Remember, the happiness they left you for that cloudy day.
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