I don't know if I have anything to offer that's heart-wrenching that will make you feel intense emotions that you can earnestly relate to but I'll try. Though it was very difficult to share this I figured you don't know me in real life, so it'd be alright.
About a year ago I had a friend that passed away, she was all the way on the other side of the US so I didn't get to see her again before she died. School and finances week in the way so her funeral just didn't take priority. So even though it happened a year ago I can't have any closure with the fact she is gone. I don't even know whether or not I have a right to be upset so I just try my hardest not to think about it. After all I'll never be able to go back in time and see her in her last moments or go to her funeral.
One thing I certainly don't understand about this entire experience is how it affected my writing and my writing style so immensely. Most of it has now veered towards trying to embody the most human-like pain that I could possibly muster. It doesn't just include the deaths of friend but the overall writing style has just kind of dimmed itself. It's somehow missing that humane piece of light I sought so long for through my life. Despite my honest attempts to embody it, it lost how genuine it used to be even if it wasn't nearly as advanced.
I took a long break from writing from art because with the thought of my friend fresh on my mind I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't bring me to tears. I missed her more than anything, I'm personally spiritual and I spent so much time contemplating the destination of her soul. I realized that maybe I spent too much time establishing my writing as part of my identity but not actually who I was.
This time seemed to be riddled with nothing but tragedy after tragedy, and my identity seemed to revolve around those tragedies once more. It seemed as though I had completely lost myself, anyone could tell that I wasn't being my best version of me. I was constantly phased out as though I was living in a different universe. I really stopped talking to people. I was always such a logical person and there was logic to exactly how I felt and it frustrated me. I had no one who was willing to just sit there with me and ramble on and even when I finally had a chance the right words to logically describe my pain.
The lack of closure was haunting me even more, I can not tell you how many nights I spent not necessarily crying, but more so deep into thought, unable to fall asleep. Maybe I was doing all the wrong things to assure that she passed on safely to her next life. The thoughts wouldn't stop coming and yet whenever I tried to write them down or ask someone, suddenly the right words would vanish again, and I could do nothing but stare silently into the spaces of inner thoughts once more, but finding it useless after all.
I wanted to gauge my ears out, my eyes, my tongue, everyone else's too. I was just so frustrated with myself with the world for not taking time to understand what I was going through. I hadn't just lost my motivation to write and draw, I had lost my motivation to do anything, I couldn't be a good student, I couldn't spend time with my family, be a good daughter, a good sister or even a good friend. I shut out the world completely, so angry and frustrated. Not even my divorced parents could step outside of their petty hatred for each other to help me and even though I had nothing to do with it made me suffer even more.
Upon making this account was the first time I ever felt like trying to return to the person I once was. I was so excited to begin even if that was only about a couple of days ago. I hope that I will find some kind of closure here and I hope that I was able to bring my deceased friend to her next life and I hope that there she doesn't have to suffer as much as she did in this life. Maybe I'll also be fully myself again, I found friends who are slowly bringing out those pieces of me but I know that I can relapse at any time and my mental health is still not stable. However I know that it will take a lifetime to recover.
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