My Humor - "head in the cows, got no weight in my strollers"

I wrote this when I was eleven on Wattpad! I honestly avoided this story because I remembered how weird it was, but looking back at it, it's hilarious.

(No edits were made, this is exactly how I wrote it.)

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"Hello, Wisconsinians!" I yell at the camera. "Sadly, I don't speak Wisconsinese, so try to understand me, okay?"

I stand straight and begin to read slowly. "Hellooooooo, peee-pulls. I'm Cheeeee-cheeeee Grrrrrr-ayyyyyy. Can you hear me peee-pulls? You can? Great. Now turn the volume higher to hear this best news you've ever heard!"

Ziti shakes her head at me. "You sound terrible, Chichi. Your pronunciation of 'peoples' is terrible. Everyone knows it's pronounced 'pee-poles.'

"Pee-holes?"

"Duh." She adjusts the camera. "Second of all, you're not speaking loud enough. Scream it like you mean it!"

"PEE-HOLES!"

"Perfect. Now try again." She moves the camera in my direction and gives an okay sign.

I clear my throat. "HELLOOOO, PEE-HOLES! I'm Cheeeee-cheeeee Grrrrrr-ayyyyyy! Can you hear me? You can? Great. Now turn the volume higher to hear this BEST NEWS YOU'VE EVER HEARD!"

Ziti pauses the video and looks at my dress and leggings. I'm also wearing a hot pink boa scarf and highlighter-colored glasses. I'm a star.

Unfortunately, Ziti doesn't think so. "For the next part, you need to change your outfit," she complains. "Let's ask Mom to buy us different colored boas and glasses. But the leggings have to go." She thinks for a minute. "Oh! Let's change your leggings to jeans. That's going to bring out a new trend."

I try to imagine myself in jeans and a dress. "That's going to be so..." I raise my eyebrow. "Hot."

I nod seriously. Ziti nods seriously-er. "You're going to be so viral after this," Ziti whispers.

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I watch myself dancing in the video, replaying it over and over until Ziti sighs. "What? You don't like it?" I ask, irration filling my mind.

"No, of course not. I love it. But look how many views we got."I thrust my eyes at the screen, waiting to be awed. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. I'm awesome.

5 views. 1 like.

"OMG!" I scream.

"I know, right?" Ziti sighs again. "I can't believe we only have—"

"We have 5 VIEWS! That is way more than I expected. 5. Whole. Pee-Holes. Watched. My. Video!! Can this day get any better?"

Ziti is going to interrupt me but I stop her. "And we gained one subscriber!"

"Actually, that one is from me," she says quietly.

I glare at my sister. "Stop ruining the fricking moment!" I roll my eyes. "You already cursed the fairies to make the video upload slow, so stop ruining everything!"

"How am I ruining everything?"

"I just fricking told you!" I refresh the page. "Ooh! Seven views now! Seven whole pee-holes watched my video!"

Ziti stops me. "Uh, Chichi? You do know we've actually watched and refreshed the video sixteen times, right? And there's still one like."

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Ziti and I practice another video. We were milliseconds away from being superstars.

"So, what should we do for this video?" Ziti asks. She looks excited, clutching her camera and looking at me like I was supposed to know the answer.

"I dunno. Maybe sing another song." I press my lips together.

"Ooh! How about Hello by Adele?"

"Are you kidding?? That song is way too low. I need to impress my fans with something much higher." I let out a fart, which gave me an idea. "Problem by Ariana Garfield!"

"Garfield? You mean Grande?"

"Whatever. She's so cheap and ugly that no one can even remember her last name. I'm gonna be so much more famouser."

"Alright, then. Let's practice. Lemme hear ya sing!"

I clear my throat four times. "Hey babe even though I hay ya, I wanna love ya, I wan you!" (My voice cracks, but it's still awesome.) "And even though I can't fo-give ya, I really wan-ta, I want you!"

Ziti stares at me. "That...Was...Perfect."

I nod professionally and point to the camera. "Tell me when to start."

She gives an okay sign I smile and begin with the chorus. "HEAD IN THE CLOUDS, GOT NO WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDERS! (voice crack) I SHOULD BE WISER, AND REALIZE THAT I GOT!!" (voice crack for three seconds)

Ziti pauses the video and shakes her head at me. "Chichi, you sang that almost an octave lower than the official music. And you sang the words wrong. It's supposed to be, 'head in the cows, got no weight in my strollers. Don't you know anything?"

I apologize. "Sorry. Like this?" I sing it again a little higher, and my voice cracks at least ten times.

She raises a thumbs up. "Perfect."

* * *

We finished the video. After it finishes uploading, Ziti whispers to me. "By the way, I heard you fart."

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Yup. There are 6 more chapters but these are what I found funniest :)

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