Sometimes, I wonder if I've even lived life at all. Often I find myself wondering if I even know who I am as a person. We're constantly being pressured to become a specific person because of what others need, not what we want. We are forced to fit the mold that they deem necessary and so we must adapt or be labeled a weirdo, a freak, strange, odd, creepy, etc.
Who am I? My parents say education is important, so I must be a good student. My friends love humor, so I must be funny. Society dictates that certain subjects or genres of personality are not welcome, or are not age-appropriate, so I must hide those parts of myself.
But...who am I really? I act in such a way that others want me to be, so does that personality reflect who I am? Am I just what others see me as? A label?
All my life, I've always been the one people forget. If you look back at elementary school or junior high photos, I'll most likely be the girl whose name you forget, the one who was never quite comfortable fitting in anywhere. I'll be the girl in the middle of the crowd of faces you do recognize, the ones that left an impression.
So, in your eyes, do I even exist?
I've never been fond of attention. I love being alone, acquainted only with those characters of my own mind. I like the easy silence, the solitude, the time to think. I'm an introvert, I dislike large crowds. Conflict scares me, just a little. Speaking in public is my one nightmare.
And even as I claim that I prefer the solitude, I love the quiet of being alone, I enjoy spending large amounts of my time away from people...1058Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLS21BGNXzT
I don't fancy being lonely.
My greatest fear, however, is that of disappointing people. So what does that make me? A people-pleaser? Perhaps. In fact, that's exactly what it makes me. At times I can't tell the difference between someone else's wishes and my own. I assume their needs are greater.
Sometimes I feel like my entire life, my whole existence, is just another burden. Another inconvenience that the rest of the world just has to deal with. If I could pick two words that describe me, they would be deference and quiet. Put the needs of the many before the needs of the few.
I'm a push-over in social situations, but when it comes to work I can be strict. Often I find myself wondering what others say about me. I always wonder what someone's opinion of me is. It's very difficult for me to say no. I don't want people mad at me.
Reputation has always been an important aspect of my life. I guess it was inherited. I do not come from a poor family, but we are by no means rich. Image has always been important. I've always been raised to look your best even when the walls are crashing down. Put on a show and the respect will follow. So I've believed.
But what they don't tell you is that once you raise that curtain, there's no going back. You can't just drop the act and be the you you've always wanted to be. You have to keep acting, even when the play ends, the acting never ceases.
These dark, depressing thoughts come from a girl who cries when her boyfriend tells her that people can be themselves around her. She cries because to her, those ridiculously simple words are the kindest thing anyone's ever said to her. She cries because for once, she doesn't feel like she has to act, but she almost doesn't want to believe it. The fear of being hurt and betrayed is strong. She is scared of letting her guard down only to be ridiculed and mocked for trying to figure out who she really is.
She cries because he doesn't understand how much something like that means to her. He doesn't understand that he just eased her greatest fear; the fear of losing herself to what people need her to be, if only a little. She will never be able to communicate to him how much he's done for her. But, the doubts still exist.
I don't feel like my life is important. I like to think I've made a difference, but who's to say? I'm just an inconvenience to everyone who knows me.
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