穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypcX9C527j
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPWl1rt5BR
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWFHw7eULw
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwTrlcCvFz
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65cc96iGwl
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpX3orhZAf
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhv97XhxAi
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBDPqSq09i
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIPX2gnAwJ
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaCTYxoAm9o
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAlQc3MS1qD
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlcrcsiRhc
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETq9un4fRH
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xnZ36LEoD
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LYtw9mOYO
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNsyj3ETRc
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhrliEwy7l
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9bJXyFqdG
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQpSObD1bJ
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tIfVlYYr2
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70yPr4dkAW
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mb1IbEF0K
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46fOuoT084
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUIaNCl2sW
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ge67QSnMx
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbLUtkWJs5U
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy07Gki2vLD
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGLRzjQ75x
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1laIA09lXQ
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMTnEqp8db
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFd8kqRsY6
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡflbbydHawN
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUG1LZXlY5G
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWIvwDa8T3
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDlm9MHz5H
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXiDJyLr4EL
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwMKzV8kDn
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmybLtzo7o
「鍾意你。」他說。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqWbvzbGwa
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡerPoz8EodH
「我都係。」她應。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9Dii9PdQR
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6lNeNYmer
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Rjjr9N6dD
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pU6py9xug
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb9zDfuS4DJ
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMUoFuyMWm
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNlLYfNN3ON
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8HS3wrKUI
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡompHHeCnop
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXU3An3aQV
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ehwigD24X
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhCwFAyeA6S
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELaQLNJHkH
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeySsBL1f3
二人過後做愛、入睡。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdZvZHC9sN
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2fdG41HNw
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQztSC32cf
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmjverpE6U
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroEh21NHFb
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTE4IRg59g
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKhI0FJ7fx
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8WLePdEhm
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVvk2Re4rXW
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySH9YlwPur
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevnM1Z2re7
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4h1PlIIE9
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfig6rHIkJV
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AwLs50XSu
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGHcxyuHbY
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsOnoojZn1
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzbp3dtJSD
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4nXEu8d5K
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6FEQLd8Eb
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeks0fDYIub
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9T6KLGARLV
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2XpfU2XGJo
她糊糊塗塗。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDsZkpylEj
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ41oDSQ6iOD
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SHxlXL2uh
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2dPbFFPFW
最怕空虛。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86D0By8GJU
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCuLi8bql7
/458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnpNB8Ptk4L
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpH3Fnz4FO
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcmVddyywz7
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PaL1MOFtU
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡou22gxWYsT
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqw2VjAFQ7K
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNHLA5JcAC
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN53VAgWytq
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVmMZFjngD
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡng73JiNt35
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwGjzcXX7r
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtZnDlSZ59
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OJhAgvD0n
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyIwvLgO7n
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡejw16ZBQCG
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rCGl9ILPR
她不過在日常之中夢遊。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CJsPxZ0Mi
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbiiJdcJtGL
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzjQD02k5e
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJ52RuFMtO
「上年12月開始。」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ymwl6XB2F
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDhszIamJE
「頻率係？」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02XkDQr25e
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsL0JzVQeq6
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjzAuz7MMZ
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEERsCTEtw9
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1TctN3N64
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhl6cYKgasM
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfzXVeP69a
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXb9XofGzH
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7JI4TuTruU
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqq6dSzaqVb
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhFPad3o3U
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobLxZOyhdw
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvl8qZQEpeX
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GcQHacYEn
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2LQ2bOvJk
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5zAx0yC5ro
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrQRlg3aYL
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2vRNCdBdp
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLEwLIThUW
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8rsoWcklJ
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOzRRISRbX
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCMPLn1I5m
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjlVgBGKoh
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZrPToBzMd
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjyLcJX9jD4
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3EYQSaARk
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7sT9XFnPC
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6AVqakBQp
連傾訴都不真誠。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKaT6Cc0YJ
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MlLw2a4yZ
不開心又不去死。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNsAOmDCYVe
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0krz9jucv
不去死又不改變。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ14fhogE71M
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdvpfcSdhI
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1kv1ND04a
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx1LzxPBfGp
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRES6RXzcDi
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOaOSXmuAY
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIF84YOIVx
458Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTR6QGfSLcz
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