My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 160Please respect copyright.PENANAvDzal82C0y
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAXHuSZDxyfD
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)160Please respect copyright.PENANAkuNI1P382l
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."160Please respect copyright.PENANATpwtenw6Bs
Hmm... 160Please respect copyright.PENANA62Lmwj9UT4
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAUkZXDQ3Bxk
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAJuLbM8Qr5s
"You can have have all the adult toys."160Please respect copyright.PENANAdkUzppaOZL
Except for the pecker enhancer!160Please respect copyright.PENANAZocBTrUQvn
"That's all I need..."160Please respect copyright.PENANAOIhI0nyOWO
"Wait!"160Please respect copyright.PENANA7NKIQJy2NK
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?160Please respect copyright.PENANA4224zNGgtL
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 160Please respect copyright.PENANAj63X8rETIQ
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 160Please respect copyright.PENANANbuuu4yIcD
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)160Please respect copyright.PENANAXBSKahg89k
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAo9zZiYiR3W
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"160Please respect copyright.PENANA5l41IBrw8B
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!160Please respect copyright.PENANAVTCBy9sqew
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?160Please respect copyright.PENANAmJZEp96kPt
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!160Please respect copyright.PENANAcruhSbLxUe
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 160Please respect copyright.PENANAeedZipKAt7
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...160Please respect copyright.PENANA05RgxuXsgD
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...160Please respect copyright.PENANAEQYjyg0yPK
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you160Please respect copyright.PENANAQCPiRrjpCk
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.160Please respect copyright.PENANA93qz1J2uhR
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.160Please respect copyright.PENANAYKspPXzTMV
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAf4pspz5HfY
(Sarah laughs)160Please respect copyright.PENANAVGbMlVR9dT
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."160Please respect copyright.PENANAQZe9hrxO5k
"Gosh Darn!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAD5u1T4EWtT
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...160Please respect copyright.PENANAM7c6MGIs4N
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 160Please respect copyright.PENANA6oFz67M8xT
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)160Please respect copyright.PENANAJeocFaBWKR
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAAbVmub9usN
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 160Please respect copyright.PENANAOQFQ9hL6gw
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."160Please respect copyright.PENANAGMi3PD8cmZ
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAonYiCoLhLN
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.160Please respect copyright.PENANAnwkXXvAxmK
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...160Please respect copyright.PENANAsSLe1A1Upp
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"160Please respect copyright.PENANAypJzUyXv9N
(Sarah says what)160Please respect copyright.PENANA0UmTJHHIHA
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."160Please respect copyright.PENANAiLH2K84D93
(he laughs and Sarah winks)160Please respect copyright.PENANAEbuMTeRiGD
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 160Please respect copyright.PENANAVnGLQ3joBh
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 160Please respect copyright.PENANAbklltpd7BQ
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"160Please respect copyright.PENANApwhP8okBGa
(Keith laughs hard)160Please respect copyright.PENANAPrCCSUfNgb
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAcf6CkLIEzH
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.160Please respect copyright.PENANAZQYqw8YSCV
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)160Please respect copyright.PENANAnwxjgyOjJ7
Honey,160Please respect copyright.PENANADpiUk9HDnF
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 160Please respect copyright.PENANAfGQ3LY7FSc
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?160Please respect copyright.PENANATiBiaK48rX
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!160Please respect copyright.PENANA6bnb4bUZRP
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)160Please respect copyright.PENANA655dv5FEGL
Keith says,160Please respect copyright.PENANAmUVs1XPHj8
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?160Please respect copyright.PENANAHq06vl4C1L
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."160Please respect copyright.PENANAIyvfPDkWKx
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)160Please respect copyright.PENANAiEuyerI7FE
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAWehO75IHR3
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"160Please respect copyright.PENANAfTVOy9xEzY
"Ground beef!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAevmxeYVx9s
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.160Please respect copyright.PENANASxmFirvqGx
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAlKknEMz3uz
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 160Please respect copyright.PENANAGjFuYFvSqE
Lawsuits.160Please respect copyright.PENANAljRvixO6Ij
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.160Please respect copyright.PENANAWVNjunyaLC
Keith's friends knew him as the 160Please respect copyright.PENANAHPcqZlaseI
Clown Jester of Bakersville.160Please respect copyright.PENANAC1Ra8LgA1F
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 160Please respect copyright.PENANA8tW6reGBye
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"160Please respect copyright.PENANAf3aICRtr1n
Because he was so outstanding in his field!160Please respect copyright.PENANAcX7PSJAfbh
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.160Please respect copyright.PENANA14jK8y35yu
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.160Please respect copyright.PENANAo0bVjBlhit
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAo3bj7h3M5P
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.160Please respect copyright.PENANABNyqyi6y9c
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"160Please respect copyright.PENANANQ1AGOjwYb
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.160Please respect copyright.PENANAs3syCl8EWy
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.160Please respect copyright.PENANAEDMqMCPTDj
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAIa9vv8WULP
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.160Please respect copyright.PENANAxfFz10VAXE
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAArvMLNhcbF
Having heard them all before, many times.160Please respect copyright.PENANAfww8ed2LXm
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.160Please respect copyright.PENANA3LBCArZasq
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 160Please respect copyright.PENANAbjTCWBwqzG
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.160Please respect copyright.PENANAHOj8aIA6AF
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 160Please respect copyright.PENANADzDPT2XVbh
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.160Please respect copyright.PENANAPow5qdgh0x
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.160Please respect copyright.PENANAJMxnvx1FoC
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.160Please respect copyright.PENANAhlME2rDRFJ
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.160Please respect copyright.PENANAx2jOwaSGMu
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.160Please respect copyright.PENANAVEwywrabxX
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.160Please respect copyright.PENANA964N3jA1kb
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.160Please respect copyright.PENANAh9VaJAfVHS
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.160Please respect copyright.PENANA8BfzgE3bl3
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.160Please respect copyright.PENANA2wYFr6Z0BT
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)160Please respect copyright.PENANAoVR4Ffhl2R
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!160Please respect copyright.PENANAcr2Rtzm4oA
(audience chuckles)160Please respect copyright.PENANAn8ZpUNHdDD
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."160Please respect copyright.PENANAaa1Vci1fgd
I haven't heard from him since.160Please respect copyright.PENANAJCIncV8erJ
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."160Please respect copyright.PENANAeoHPROXxia
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.160Please respect copyright.PENANAsgk0776BGS
(audience laughing)160Please respect copyright.PENANAFPiwrbIGIS
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 160Please respect copyright.PENANAb2PrxIRtiB
She still isn't talking to me.160Please respect copyright.PENANA7oexmvmblF
(Keith smiles)160Please respect copyright.PENANAOiyw2T9eVj
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'160Please respect copyright.PENANAu1TAJsvITo
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 160Please respect copyright.PENANAa7Od2HfrnL
but I am on the fence!160Please respect copyright.PENANA6QkmlsqnjE
(audience laughing hard)160Please respect copyright.PENANAXE30zGMBK3
[He gets on a roll]160Please respect copyright.PENANA07cNT5AiXF
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 160Please respect copyright.PENANAOCfJZsegdR
She gave me a hug!160Please respect copyright.PENANAridQQvu5Cr
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."160Please respect copyright.PENANAqUqyoxsuKx
Hey!160Please respect copyright.PENANA6Y1HO1JWEp
What is the worst combination of illnesses?160Please respect copyright.PENANAhaJkCAcJj4
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."160Please respect copyright.PENANAsQ2OBkkqKR
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"160Please respect copyright.PENANA8CchnV2dkz
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"160Please respect copyright.PENANAW37S65rWYg
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."160Please respect copyright.PENANAQ3J3sgI0e6
How do you get a squirrel to like you?160Please respect copyright.PENANAuzl8fJ4BRm
Act like a nut.160Please respect copyright.PENANAE4UhXeXABC
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.160Please respect copyright.PENANAnR2cTguvpe
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.160Please respect copyright.PENANAbXGn0GhwSO
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.160Please respect copyright.PENANAbQlETqy6V3
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 160Please respect copyright.PENANAlQdtfX9fh7
So I Left.160Please respect copyright.PENANA7NCFlEGc3o
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.160Please respect copyright.PENANAk18st82yud
"The steaks were pretty high!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAhdnZW7W2Ia
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."160Please respect copyright.PENANA1RisHSc5sM
Goodnight!"160Please respect copyright.PENANAt8x8BDOnW3
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)160Please respect copyright.PENANAMHvqh7tjDf
He went home happier160Please respect copyright.PENANAXSauR1bHE7
than he ever
Dreamed!160Please respect copyright.PENANA4HF7aI0J7b
160Please respect copyright.PENANANoDVed6z5I
© Charles Kemp
ns 172.70.131.141da2