HELLO HELLO, this is BIIIIIIIIIG Daddy Don, and I want to welcome you to---- THIS THING ON THE INTERNET!!!
-Insert applause here and INCREDIBLY AWKWARD foaming of the mouth & screaming-
Ha ha haaaa thank you thank you. Oh but you in the back, you can just leave. Now!! Today we are joined by a very special guest that I'm sure you're all DYING to meet~ -Insert slot machine sounds-
FAN-FRIGGEN-TASTIC!!!
Before that though can we take a minute to talk about airline food? Because honestly, that shit gives me such gas when I finally get out onto the freeway hours later, making me pull into some truck stop in the middle of- well maybe I'll keep that bit to myself.
Tonight's guest is KNOWN for being a stand up bitch in the face of adversity. She came from a quiet nothing as a literal lady servant to a bunch of snobs and piss babies. From reading books to kicking dicks, it's the one, the only- and I know you saw the title of tonight's show so what does it matter, ELISE BAKUUVA!!!
-Insert applause-
Ha ha, GREAT STUFF!!
So welcome Lady Bakuuva, so GREAT to have you on today's show. I'm sure you've heard of me~
"Uh... no, actually, I haven't-"
*Blink*
HAHA, yeah well, ER HRM take care of THAT one later. SOOOO Elise, you're kinda the hot shit among the cast. I mean obviously, you're like the main chick right?
"Uhhh... sure, we can go with that."
Great stuff there babe but uh, ya know, gotta say, I don't think your story is really known so SIT THERE while I give a BORING RECAP that no one probably is going to give a crap about.
*Coffee Sip*
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{Spoiler Warning!! The following is Elise's backstory from Novel 1!!}
Elise was born to the warrior clan known as Vulfax, a clan made up mostly of Drachen. And for those of you who don't know what the hell a Drachen is, read the wiki.
-Metal screeching-68Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvBwkr0evD
Alright alright!!
A Drachen is basically a mythical race of dragons that took human form, and they can breed with any other humanoid race... somehow. Most of Elise's people were half Vamp, half Drach. Actually isn't Drachen just like, German for Dragon or something? That's kinda lazy naming, haha-
Ahem, anyways. In Vulfax, you grew up as a slave girl basically, doing whatever the hell they wanted you to do, is that right?
"Well yeah. From about the time I was old enough to think and walk they had me running around doing whatever. Lighting up hallways, fetching water for our elderly from the drip pool in the depths of the mountain. And then as I got older, I had to go out and gather other things. Old mattresses from the humans, water from the river, animals that got caught in the traps. It wasn't too bad."
Sounds great hun but that's totally just the beginning, isn't it? I read your file, says here you were treated like DIRT ain't that right? You were the book worm, totally docile and not a blood thirsty piece of dolphin fritter.
"I mean... yeah. I was definitely looked down on for being more passive. But it's not like they HATED that I was a little less aggressive. It had perks, for a bit."
HEH, yeah, RIGHT. You went into town and handled the more public type shit for them but they STILL treated you like dirt, ain't that right? Like look at this note here about a... Belwaffle?
"Belama."
Whatever. Look the point is you were the butt of Vulfax for awhile there right? Physical assault, verbal assault, mental assault. They even drove one of your friends to go die in the woods but they fucked that up. What a lam-
"If you value your looks, you're going to stop right there."
Whoa whoa, chill chill, I gotcha. So tell me. What made you go from some lame book worm to a kick ass swordsgirl with magical powers? The viewers who didn't read the first novel would LOOOOVE to know, I'm sure. That or they're just here for my good looks. Heh heh~
"... pretty sure they can't see you. ANYWAYS uh... well. Things with Vulfax had been going downhill for awhile. My friends being harassed for being my friends, my family being mostly against me... the incident with that Vampire in the woods that the Church was hunting. The thing that finally did it was when my... my friend disappeared. When I found her... like that, I knew then.
I hated violence, I hated aggression. I just wanted to be left alone but- I also couldn't take that anymore. The abuse, the hostility. People getting hurt all around me. I realized that my own inaction was affecting a good deal of it. With some encouragement from my mentors I- I decided that I needed to do better, even if it meant going against my beliefs."
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Mmm yes. You got sword training from your friend Alto, and then your mentor inside of Vulfax that DAAASHING Vulper fellow. Except none of that paid off real well did it?
"No, not how I had intended anyway. That very first mission after I proved myself capable of fighting... two of my closest friends ended up getting killed. Couple more suicide missions after that I figured out that the clan leader was trying to get rid of me."
And why was that?
"Because he figured I had turned into a spy... see Azala, the leader, had been working with this race of people known as the Dharkanians for awhile, and together they were going to start a war and try to conquer parts of Earth. And as I'd later found out though, I was not born to Vulfax. I was brought there by the neighboring town's Librarian, who just so happened to become my friend, who also happened to be a mortal enemy of the Dharkanians. So the connection was there on paper but- I had no idea about any of that stuff.
Holly, the librarian, later took me in after I abandoned Vulfax. That's how I found all of this out."
And after joining Holly, she and Alto taught you magic right? Specifically the ability to harness and manifest physical energy from Light itself. A power of the Lightonians, enemy of the Dharkanians. You trained with that and because creatively sharp minds do well with it, you became a prodigy. Go figure. All was good for you, until Alto disappeared. And after a failed chase, you decided to return to Vulfax. Why was that?
"... I went back because I found out more. Once the Canadian Government, whichever section that might've been, and the Lightonians learned of Vulfax's involvement with the Dharkanians, they opted to nuke the entire valley out of existence to prevent the Undead Army from rising up. I- look, they treated me like shit but I still had SOME friends and connections. I sure as hell wasn't going to let that be turned to ash. So I, I went back alone and confronted Azala.
Turned out that Alto had been a spy the whole time. So that hurt... if I ever get my hands on the bastard I'll- anyways. And from there, with Vulper's help, we turned the clan on Azala and that turned into a big thing. Dharkanians showed up, Azala got gutted and later turned into a giant dragon, I got some guidance on how to actually beat him, and yeah. Eventually, we defeated Azala and ended the mess for Earth."
Brings a tear to my eye. And from then on you HAD the choice to return to Vulfax but instead, you chose to go follow the action, that right?
"Mhmm. After the manipulations- my people ALMOST got nuked to nothing. Many of them had no idea to that point what was happening. It was all Azala, and this bastard named Arkaza pulling the strings for this great big supernatural undead army thing. And the 'heroes' were just going to nuke the problem away. I couldn't- there was no way.
If I stood by and went back to my old life, that would be me turning a blind eye. They were GOING to do it again. So yeah... I left home and ventured into the world of the Lightonians and the Dharkanians."
Well ain't that just darling. And of course that's about where the line gets drawn. If people want the full breakdown, they can either read the story themselves or check out your own data entry set to come out in the near future that goes over the start of that junk. Heh. Lightonians and Dharkanians. How edgy. I suppose the Dharkanians are evil and the Lightonians are good?
"Eh... that's what the Lightonians say but, no. It isn't that black and white stereotypical. Both are kinda shitty, one side moreso out of arrogance from winning."
Ah yes, yes yes. WELL we can go over that and MORE in your OFFICIAL interview, coming up whenever the hell the fucking dipshit PRODUCER of this show decides to stop being slow and lazy & gets to some producing. Talking to YOU Stormsong, you BITCH. GOD!!
Everyone, ya know what, take five. I need for friggen rum in my drink, and tell Shelly that when she gets back into my dressing room she better have those little donuts and her -CUT-
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