TW: this story addresses child abuse, bullying and suicidal thoughts.
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dear agony (o/s)
Jade West wandered the corridors of Hollywood Arts like a ghost, her footsteps echoing softly yet burdened by an overwhelming sense of desolation. The recent with Beck Oliver had cast a pall over her world, rendering everything in shades of desaturated gloom. The vibrant tapestry of the school now appeared drained, robbed of its once-bright colors.
Her heart, once alive with a symphony of affection, now reverberated with a sorrowful melody. Laughter, which used to be her faithful companion, had transmuted into a cruel chorus of mockery and disdain. Every chuckle felt like a piercing note, pricking at her chest with each passing moment.
It was akin to wandering through an endless labyrinth adorned with graffiti that spelled out her deepest fears and vulnerabilities. The whispers behind her back and the piercing gazes fused into a cacophonous symphony, a discordant tune that played relentlessly in her mind. Each cutting remark seemed like an additional verse in an unwanted song, reverberating through her being.
In the classroom, Jade mechanically sat at her desk, her gaze fixed upon the walls as if searching for answers within their confines. The lectures seemed distant, their words an indistinguishable buzz amidst the internal turmoil. Despite the chaos in her mind, she mechanically maintained her academic excellence, delivering performances at school plays like a well-oiled machine. Yet, beneath her perfect facade, a storm brewed relentlessly.
Jade's breakup with Beck had been a turning point that plunged her into an abyss of self-recrimination. She found herself mired in a sea of remorse, convinced that every problem in their relationship stemmed from her actions and insecurities. Their parting had amplified her already festering belief that she was a perennial troublemaker, an anchor dragging everyone down with her.
She began to retreat into the shadows, distancing herself from her friends. Tormented by the belief that she was a contagious poison, she avoided their attempts to reach out. As much as she craved their support, she feared tarnishing their lives with her mere presence. Her withdrawal only amplified their concern and efforts to bring her back into the fold, but Jade resisted, sinking deeper into a vortex of isolation.
One incident, in particular, became a turning point. Almost getting Cat into trouble was a pivotal moment of realization for Jade. Seeing how her own tangled mess of emotions could impact someone as innocent and carefree as Cat made her draw back even further. The guilt clawed at her, reinforcing her conviction that she was a walking disaster, leaving a trail of ruin in her wake.
Jade's decision to sever ties, isolating herself from the ones she cared about, was born from a place of twisted love—a misguided attempt to shield them from the chaos she believed she embodied. The thought that she might inadvertently hurt her friends became a suffocating weight, urging her to retreat into the desolate confines of solitude. It was a self-imposed exile, a desperate bid to spare them from the fallout of her perceived toxic existence.
Jade's heart ached with an unrelenting longing for the camaraderie she once shared with her friends, including Tori, her closest rival at times. The void left by their absence gnawed at her, leaving a hollow ache that intensified with each passing day. She yearned for their presence, their laughter, the bond they shared, even as a frenemy with Tori. But the haunting fear of contaminating their lives with her toxicity gripped her soul.
The idea that everyone might have sided with Beck wasn't an unfounded fear—it was a haunting reality that constantly haunted her thoughts. After all, who wouldn't side against a toxic presence? Jade wrestled with the belief that she was the villain in her own story, the mean-spirited and jealous ex-girlfriend. That narrative had settled deep within her mind, poisoning her thoughts and exacerbating her isolation. The idea of reaching out to them, of potentially pulling them back into her world of turmoil, filled her with a suffocating dread. So, she remained adrift, pining for the friendships she couldn't bring herself to jeopardize.
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I have found the perfect end
Jade slinked through the crowded halls of Hollywood Arts, her steps tentative, her eyes cast downward. The breakup with Beck seemed like a lifetime ago, yet its wounds still festered deep within her. The school's vibrant colors appeared muted to her, as if drained of their life.
As she passed by, the whispers followed, cutting through the air like knives.
"Amy Lee," someone snickered.
"Twilight Vampire," another voice jeered.
The names echoed, sinking into her skin like venom.
"Hey, Amy Lee! Heard you were out 'earning' today. Making a quick buck or two?" a mocking voice taunted from the corner, accompanied by cruel laughter.
Jade's heart clenched, but she pressed on, determined not to give them the satisfaction of seeing her falter.
"Bitch."
"Slut."
"Whore."
"Cunt."
The words hit like a tidal wave, each one a fresh wound reopening. She clenched her fists, biting her lip to keep from breaking down right there in the hallway.
"No one likes you, Amy Lee," another sneer pierced through the crowd.
"No one loves you."
"No one wants you here."
The words slammed into her chest, crushing her spirit with their weight.
The relentless bullying had transformed into an unending onslaught, isolating her further. Their teasing had turned into ruthless torment, pushing her deeper into her own darkness. Inside, she battled with waves of pain and loneliness, searching for even a sliver of solace amidst the relentless verses that echoed her despair.
Amidst the school day's hustle and bustle, Jade West bore the weight of not only the school's relentless cruelty but also the scars left by her tumultuous family life. The relentless bullying, a world of its own, intersected with her existing emotional turmoil—a life where her parents' toxic dynamics cast shadows far beyond the school gates. Their relentless verbal assaults at home, a soundtrack of constant berating and emotional abuse, created a parallel world of pain that followed her into the corridors of Hollywood Arts.
Her mother's words, sharp as knives, pierced Jade's already fragile emotional armor. Ellen's criticisms and belittling comments haunted her even amidst the school's chaos. The echoes of her mother's cruel reproaches intermingled with the bullies' relentless taunts, compounding Jade's agony. Her father, distant and consumed in his new family, scarcely acknowledged her existence, adding another layer of abandonment to her already laden heart.
It was a cruel cycle of emotional torment, a battleground where the wounds from home intertwined with the scars inflicted at school, leaving Jade stranded in an abyss of relentless pain and seclusion, a place where she found solace in only the haunting verses that echoed her despair.
*
The living room, hardly a place of solace, became a battlefield of words that night. Ellen West, Jade's mother, often wielded her words like sharp weapons, and that evening was no different.
"You're not the daughter I wanted," Ellen spat, her voice dripping with disdain.
Jade's eyes welled up, her heart sinking with the familiar ache of rejection. "Mom, please..."
"You look as plump as a partridge," Ellen continued, her words aimed to wound.
Jade's breath hitched, her mother's relentless criticism cutting deeper than any knife.
"Nothing will become of you," Ellen scoffed, each word driving a wedge between them.
And then, in a moment that shattered Jade's fragile resolve, Ellen uttered something so horrifying, it felt like the world had collapsed around her. "If I knew what you would become, I would have aborted you in a heartbeat."
The words hung heavy in the air, a venomous poison seeping into Jade's soul. She staggered backward, her vision blurred by tears. The weight of her mother's words crushed her spirit, the pain unbearable. In a rush of anguish, she collapsed onto the floor, sobs wracking her body.
"M-Mom, please..." Jade choked out, but her voice was drowned by the torrent of her own despair.
Their arguments had always been intense, but tonight's onslaught of verbal cruelty was beyond anything Jade had ever experienced. The constant name-calling, the degrading remarks, and the soul-crushing judgment had finally reached its breaking point.
Ellen's words, wielded like weapons of emotional destruction, had torn through Jade's defenses, leaving her shattered and consumed by unbearable agony.
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Just let go of me39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRIz7qYb67
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Is this the way it's got to be?
The moonlight filtered through Jade's window, casting an eerie pallor across the room and deepening the shadows. This night, like the several preceding it, offered no respite from the relentless torment gnawing at her spirit. For days, she'd teetered on the edge of a profound decision, caught in the gripping throes of her despair.
Haunted by relentless thoughts and a fear that clutched her chest like a vice, Jade found herself adrift in a turbulent sea of emotions. She held onto her pet bunny, Whiskers, seeking solace in the gentle comfort of its fur against her tear-streaked cheeks. In the midst of her turmoil, the weight of leaving Jack, her innocent younger brother, pained her deeply. How could she entertain such an irreversible action when it meant abandoning those she loved most, even in her darkest hour?
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I will fight until the end
The room seemed to close in around her, suffocating in its stillness as Jade's despair consumed her. Tears cascaded down her cheeks, her cries echoing through the quiet night. She moved restlessly, pacing the floor, clutching her pet bunny, Whiskers, seeking solace but finding none. Her world had shrunk to this room, the weight of her torment pressing her down.
She collapsed onto the floor, her sobs turning into anguished wails, rocking back and forth in a desperate attempt to quell the storm raging within. Her phone lay nearby, the digits of 911 repeatedly flashing across her mind. She reached for it, fingers trembling over the keypad, only to retract in fear. The mere thought of the repercussions paralyzed her—an unspoken threat that loomed larger than her turmoil.
Each tick of the clock echoed like thunder in her ears, marking the passage of time she couldn't afford to lose. The night stretched on, a battlefield between her desperation for help and her dread of the fallout. Jade hugged herself tightly, as if trying to contain the chaos threatening to spill over.
Her cries ebbed and flowed, an uncontrollable tide of emotions crashing against her resolve. In this harrowing limbo, Jade grappled with the decision that could rewrite the narrative of her existence. The room held its breath, bearing witness to her silent battle, the walls echoing the silent pleas for a way out.
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God let me go39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy5Rx1wi1KA
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There's nothing left
As the night bled into dawn, Jade's resolve hardened. She knew she couldn't continue like this. With a heavy heart and eyes heavy with exhaustion, she made a solemn vow to herself — she would reach out for help, but not through the hotline or emergency services. Instead, she decided to confide in someone she hoped would understand.
The next morning, Jade, with the weight of her sleepless night dragging her down, stepped onto the subway. She couldn't trust herself to drive; the lack of sleep left her feeling foggy, her thoughts scattered like shattered glass. The rhythmic rumble of the train felt like a discordant soundtrack to her inner turmoil.
Determined but fragile, Jade clutched an old crumpled piece of paper, a receipt she had found in her pocket. Her hands trembled as she clenched and unclenched them in her lap, her breaths shallow and unsteady. Her heart raced with the anticipation of confiding in someone, of letting her pain spill out into the open.
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Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin
Despite her fears and the suffocating weight of despair, Jade's resolve to seek help burned brighter than the numbing ache within her. The train hurtled forward, carrying her toward the school, toward the uncertain yet hopeful prospect of finding solace in the compassionate ear of Lane Alexander, the school counselor.
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Just let go of me39Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4umhlJUkaQ
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Is this the way it's got to be?
Jade perched on the edge of the chair in Lane's office, her fingers picking nervously at the frayed edges of her black sweater. Her eyes traced the patterns on the rug, anything to avoid meeting the counselor's gaze.
Lane sat opposite her, his expression gentle but concerned. He'd seen Jade in this office before, but it was always for the wrong reasons — getting into trouble with Cat, opening makeshift beauty salons in the female bathroom in freshman year, abusing laxatives in sophomore year. This time was different, and he could sense it in the heaviness of the air.
He leaned forward slightly, his voice soft but encouraging. "Jade, what brings you here today?"
"I..." Jade's voice caught in her throat, the words she'd rehearsed a hundred times in her head suddenly feeling foreign. She swallowed hard, the lump in her throat making it difficult to breathe. "I was going to kill myself last night."
The confession hung in the air, heavy and raw. Jade's eyes finally met Lane's, the vulnerability in her gaze mirroring the turmoil within. She felt exposed, laid bare in a way she hadn't allowed herself to be before.
Lane's eyes widened slightly, his heart aching for the young girl sitting across from him. "I'm glad you're here, Jade. That took a lot of courage to say. Tell me more."
"I stayed up all night," Jade continued, her voice barely a whisper, as if speaking any louder might shatter the fragile walls she'd built around herself. "I couldn't do it. I'm scared of death."
The words hung in the air, carrying the weight of Jade's unspoken pain. Lane nodded gently, his demeanor a mix of compassion and concern. "It's okay to be scared, Jade. I'm here to help you through this. You're not alone."
Jade's shoulders slumped slightly, the weight of her confession released in the safety of Lane's office. She had never felt so vulnerable and yet oddly relieved to have finally unburdened herself. In that moment, despite the darkness clouding her mind, she found a glimmer of hope in the understanding eyes of Counselor Lane Alexander.
I feel nothing anymore...
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