Note: Ahhhh probably a trigger warning for those who suffer from depression. You told to me to honest *shrug*
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpDCRCSPPK
17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrIYPDfh3g
When I was a child, I described depression as being stuck down a very deep, dark well. It was cold and damp, the water lapping at my knees as I hoped someone would throw a rope. Or even shout instructions on how to climb out.
When I was a teenager, I described depression as an old friend. Not a good one. But she was oddly comforting because at least someone knew me well enough to whisper mean, but accurate comments down my spine. Depression ran her fingers through my hair and offered me terrible advice. Sometimes she pinned me to the bed and laughed when I couldn’t get up.
When I was an adult she found me trapped in a cage I had put myself in. She kicked my water bowl out of my reach and swung her face around to grin madly in my face. Because by herself depression was a scarf I wore under my clothes. Baggy, hot and suffocating, but never completely life threatening.
Until she found me in this cage. I was suffering a condition that made me throw up Every Single Thing that entered my body. For many, many months I threw up at the mention of food, at the image of food. Fast food ads had me shoving myself into a toilet bowl. The smell of food made me want to cut my nose off and offer it to the birds as an offering. I ate foods that tasted the same coming up. I stopped eating rice after it got lodged in my throat on its journey upwards.
My skin was grey and hanging off me. I used medications to both keep me alive, and completely knock myself out at night so I wouldn’t throw up bile at night. I drowned in a sea of nausea.
I was hooked up to machines and IVs. I was offered lightweight condolences and feeble words of encouragement. As though thinly sliced words could fill my aching, suffering body.
My mind spiralled and was lost, wandering down grey coloured fields. I could not see. I could not move. My body fought and died every day. I lost the fight every day. And everyday was never better. I curled myself into the shower and allowed it to coat me in despair and water. The bars of my mental cage were solid and unfeeling. I tried to stand, only to find malnutrition beaten into every pane of my body. Silently I was tortured by invisible hands, taunting me as I softly wondered would I ever recover. I sang wordless tunes so keenly I was sure my soul was slipping out with every note I sung. Could I pull this depression scarf tighter around my neck until I stopped feeling?
No. Not today.
I counted minutes into five minutes. Five minutes into thirty. Thirty into an hour, and so on. The word, “only” was stripped from my marriage and vocabulary. Only a week. Only a “couple” of months until we can use this medication, or that treatment. My partner watched me with a fear so bright it burned me. His eyes would linger on me the way children’s eyes watch a funeral possession of a loved one. Completely powerless to end the suffering around and inside them.
How depression smiled a mocking grin at me. I was trapped and broken into both physical and mental pieces. I didn’t have the energy or willpower left to ponder how to scrape it into a pile. Let alone put them in the right order.
But it passed. I was cured. I ate my first meal in months and cried silent tears of grief and relief. For the person I was. For the person I became. And the person I would have to become.
I slowly stood. Took one step, then another out of the cell. The stinking, freezing jailcell I had mentally squatted in for almost a year.
He stood by the doorway, soaked in tears and fear. I pressed a hand against my love’s cheek, and he pressed a kiss against my palm. We were battered and bruised. We had seen an endless midnight on a moonless night. But the stars now glimmered a promise. 17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2MoOe46yh
I was fractured, but not dead. A masterpiece tattered and torn, but not beyond repair.
I was still here. We were still here. That was enough. 17Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrpnKUmXOO
→ Request update
and then Add to home screen.