read this when you're heartbroken at 2am.

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To the boy who broke my heart.

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Also to me, for getting through it.

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5/16/25

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This does feel a bit stupid, to write letters you’ll never read. But it also feels right.

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I’m the one who ended things.

I’m the one crying like it’s the end of the world.

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I think it’s very interesting I broke up with you on the 14th –9 months to the day of when we first met. I feel like maybe there’s some sort of symbolism in that, but I’m not sure.

Our birthdays add up to 2024, and we met in 2024, so I’ve always thought of that as symbolic.

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Anyway, I guess I want to tell you that I never wanted to hurt you. You tried so hard to love me. It was so special. For me to break up with you feels like prying something out of my heart and tossing it out my window while on the highway.

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I think I had to end things though.

Like some things would make my stomach turn. Like how I’ll never know what happened in the car between you and Anna. Or the bird gift. You were so genuine sounding, and yet it was a blatant lie. Or the fact that I had to justify every single mistake you made. I don’t even do that for myself.

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These things don’t make you a bad person.

It just means you have some work to do on your own.

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Last night, I wore your hoodie again to sleep. It was actually really nice. It still smells like you lol. I was worried that it would make me feel worse, but it made me feel better. I was honoring the love we shared, and I was still able to be true to myself. I guess it also felt like you were forgiving me for what I had to do.

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The main reason I hurt today is because I don’t want to move on without you. Like I think of fall classes starting and the gaps in our classes that we coordinated just being empty. We were supposed to be together during our breaks. I guess now I’ll have time to work and stuff, but seeing those gaps between my classes hurt a bit more than I expected. And then imagining fall being over and spring happening.

Like then I’ll coordinate my schedule by myself. And that makes me sad too because when I was with you it felt like I had the world in my hands, and now I don’t even have your hand in mine.

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And yet despite all of this, I know I made the right choice.

I think sometimes the “right thing” hurts more.

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I really really really really hope you can find happiness. I pray to God that you’ll be okay—and be happy.

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Right now, I’m thinking about that date we had at Sprouts. Where it was raining and we couldn’t open that gelato, and you accidentally told me you loved me. And I drove home, and you called, and I sat in the driveway, watching the rain run down my windshield, and the wipers going crazy, and I accidentally told you I loved you too. And we both screamed (out of fun), and I ended the call shortly after.

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I remember stepping out of the car and getting soaking wet and the FleetWood Mac line came to me — “when the rain washes you clean, you’ll know”. I thought I knew then. I thought maybe we’d last forever.

It really felt like we would.

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I think maybe, if you were the man I thought I fell for, it would’ve been forever.

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It’s okay that you have work to do.

I’ve got work to do too.

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I’ve decided to put all of my trust in God.

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And maybe that “I love you” was on purpose.

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Thinking of you always,

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5/17/25

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Well, we’ve officially decided not to contact the other for a bit. Even at the end it was sweet and loving and a little bit funny.

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Neither of us wanted to leave the other on read. So, I came up with the idea of sending a dot, and you could leave that on read.

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I sent the dot. It was at 11:11. You said “11:11 how wonderful” and I said “yeah, for real” and sent another dot. So like, we officially ended things at 11:11. Which is absolutely symbolic.

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I thought I would feel better today, but now I’m crying all over again.

Whatever this was—it was as close to love as I’ve ever felt.

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I know there were problems. I know exactly why I ended things. I don’t regret it. I hope we can find our way back to each other. Or maybe I can find love that feels like this (without the “stabby feelings” as you called it).

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For now, I’ll keep writing you letters in the notes app of my phone. Maybe I’ll get to show them to you one day.

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For now, I’ll keep praying for you. I really hope you can choose to be the man I fell in love with.

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I told you I’d see you at the next Nexus event (that’s what you call crossover events lol). I really hope I get to see you again.

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I think we ended things with hope. And yeah, it hurts. But that’s the best way for things to end.

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The root of why things had to end:

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We were perfect for each other on the surface. But as we started to get deeper into things (like senior design projects, and money, and investments, and the future), I realized that we wanted different things.

You wanted more of a pleasurable life. You wanted things to be easier than they actually were. (I fall into that trap, too. I’m not blaming you for it, and I have a lot of work to get myself out of it.)

I want a more fulfilling life. I want someone who will make that hard work more bearable. Not someone who I feel like I need to drag along.

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I think that’s where things went wrong.

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And it’s okay. You and I can become more secure with ourselves. Maybe we’ll be right for each other then.

Or maybe you’ll meet a girl who will knock you off your feet. And maybe she’ll like golf and Star Wars (because we both know I don’t).

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There are two ways that I can be happy with this.

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You and I meet a year or so from now and we have changed for the better and live happily ever after
I’m in an amazing relationship and I run into you and you’re in an amazing relationship and we can be proud of each other

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I also wouldn’t mind running into you in the fall semester and we start over as friends.

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I’m very proud of us. I think we handled this part genuinely and wonderfully. I hope we can handle the next part just as genuinely and wonderfully.

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Rooting for you always,

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5/18/24

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For the third night in a row, I slept in your hoodie. It’s less about me missing you and more about me feeling less lonely. I know you’re thinking about me too.

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I haven’t brought myself to drink the tea you bought me or even make myself a matcha. Idk why but it’s just another reminder of how you tried to care for me.

I absolutely will not throw it away though. I’ll just wait until this feeling fades and maybe when I drink it it’ll feel honorable instead of like a betrayal.

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My mind keeps going back to the last time I saw you. We were both crying. I was wearing sunglasses, and you told me to take them off. I did.

I said, “yeah, I’m crying too.”

I think I said it a little harsher than I meant.

I put the sunglasses back on after that.

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It was brave of you to cry in front of me. Even when I was crying behind sunglasses.

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I want you to know that my decision was mine 100% alone. I did not talk to a single person until after I did what I did. I didn’t even tell anyone about what I did until after that game night with my friends.

So, for almost two hours I got to feel this churning through my body.

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Writing all this out makes me feel a little bit guilty because I wish I treated you gentler. I wish I could’ve done whatever was right in that moment. I don’t think I did everything wrong, but it wasn’t perfect.

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I hope you know I’m thinking about you too. I hope if/when we do reconnect, we are better people. I hope the next woman you meet will be more wonderful than me. I hope she’s actually the one for you.

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I’m realizing that “emptiness” I’m feeling in my chest is actually peace. I’m no longer whispering into the dark “I should break up with him. I should not break up with him,” trying to see which one felt more “right” in my gut. I’m no longer picturing another situation where you might lie, or where you might act immature when you shouldn’t. I’m no longer imagining us getting married, and having kids, and having a routine, only to realize that if that happened, you’d have to change a lot.

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I’d like to state this again: the joy you’ve given me is nothing compared to this pain.

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You did a wonderful job loving me. I had the time of my life. I’d do the last 9 months with you again and again and again. Even though it would have to end like this.

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If am I the one for you, I hope God will bring us back together when the time is right. If I am not the one for you, I hope God will open our hearts to the people who actually are.

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Hoping for our betterment always,

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5/19/25

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Today I learned that you were writing me letters too. Is that crazy or what?😭

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I’m glad we got to text today. I was a bit worried it would make me miss you and hurt all over again. But it was great. You told me about some of the cool things you’ve been up to, and I got to tell you a bit about mine. In a way, we gave each other permission to move on. It was refreshing. I didn’t feel like I was betraying something when I tried to take steps forward.

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It’s 6:06 right now, and I’ve not cried at all today. Which means this would be the first day I haven’t cried since I ended things with you.

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In the Huberman Podcast, he mentions that there is a neuron for every single face that you can recognize. I’m honored to have a neuron dedicated to your face. I’m honored to have the hundreds (maybe more?) of neurons dedicated to our memories. It means I can completely move on and still have pieces of me belong to you.

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I hope you can continue to grow. You’re taking some cool steps in the right direction, now I guess it’s about sticking to them. I’m not too worried about it because I’ve put my trust in God over this.

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Maybe we’ll meet again and fall in love again and the foundation will be steady. Or maybe not. As long as we’re both happy.

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Holding you in my mind always,

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5/20/25

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All of the crazy emotions are past me now 😭

I don’t feel so sad about us anymore. I feel excited for the next few semesters. I hope you’re feeling the same way.

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I still wear your hoodie to sleep. I’m not sure why I still do this, but it is quite comfortable, and I have a feeling I’ll be doing this for a while.

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Soon, I’ll eat the gelato that we were supposed to share. I’ll share it with my family, and I’ll try to relish in the sweetness of it instead of the ending of it.

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Soon, I’ll drink the tea you bought me. When I run out, I’ll buy more, because through you, I found something I like.

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I’ll write you letters still, even though they might not be every day.

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I’m thinking about you right now, and chances are, you’re thinking about me.

I think that’s absolutely beautiful. I’ve got someone who wishes the best for me. You have someone who wishes the best for you.

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I think that’s as good as it gets.

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Praying for you always,

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5/21/25

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Today, I was desperately looking for an aux chord when, in the crack between my computer shelf, I found that dried flower.

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You know, the flower you saw on the way to the gym.

You picked it, and you gave it to my sister to give to me.

I remember I smiled like an idiot.

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And now I’m staring at the flower, feeling something like depressed acceptance in my chest, my face, my hands.

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And now it’s in the box where I put everything else. The journal. The letters. The necklace. The tiny stuffed panda.

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You’re not the person I wanted you to be. You’re not the person you wanted yourself to be.

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So, it must be like this.

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Reminded of you always,

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5/25/25

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It’s been a few days. I don’t wear your hoodie to sleep anymore. I don’t incessantly think about you anymore. It doesn’t bother me so much anymore.

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Part of me wants to publish everything I wrote here. Don’t worry, I’ll change the names and stuff so we can all keep our privacy. I’ll still keep the reasons I had to end things, though. Maybe, if you ever see it, you’ll hate me for doing that.

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If you hate me, so be it. I think capitalizing off of my feelings is a good way to process them and reclaim them as my own.

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If you don’t hate me, then that’s kinda cool of you.

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I guess we’ll see.

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I do hope you’re doing well. I hope you haven’t fallen back into your old habits. Not because I want you back, but because I want you to be better. There’s a difference.

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Writing about you (but not always),

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5/27/25

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Today on your YouTube Music account (yes I was stalking you—sue me) I saw your new playlist. The one called “slow burn”. The one that says “distraction = regression ≠ progression”.

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It’s so you. Your nerdy, intense way of writing things out. I still remember all the plans you’d scribble in the back of your notebooks.

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I miss that part of you.

I hope that part of you is as nerdy and as intense as ever :)

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I hope the other parts—the ones that felt like they needed to hide, or pretend to be something else—I hope those parts are becoming more authentic.

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You deserve to be what you wish you were.

I deserve to look into the eyes of someone and know their soul is what they say it is.

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I’m sorry I can’t be the person to see all your faults and love you still.

But really, I don’t think you loved yourself with all your faults. I think you tried to hide from them.

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Maybe, the absence of my love for you will allow you to discover your own love for yourself.

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Wishing the best for you always,

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5/29/25

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I pretended I forgot your name today.

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I was at a club meeting, and a girl from my marketing class mentioned you.

She said, “I see you walking with this guy a lot. He comes here too sometimes.”

Of course, I knew it was you. I said, “Oh?”

And she mentioned how you knew Marie, and I went “Ooooooh R. Yeah!” Like you weren’t the most important thing two weeks ago.

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I didn’t really feel sad. I felt just a bit awkward. How do you navigate heavy things during small talk?

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I still don’t feel sad. Not even now. Actually, part of me wonders if you and Marie had something going on together. She always needed your help and was always calling you. I guess I’ll never know—and that’s the sad truth about loving someone who can’t be honest.

It doesn’t matter anyway.

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I hope you’re doing well. I don’t really think we’re gonna get back together. Like I’m thinking that caution will always be there for me. I’m learning slowly to not expect my standards from others. Just because I uphold them doesn’t mean other people will.

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Again. I hope you’re doing well. I really do.

Learning from you always,

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5/30/25

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Today I cried about you again for the first time in more than a week.

It was only like 3 tears, so maybe it doesn’t count. I’m gonna say that it doesn’t count. (It counts).

It was so unexpected and honestly kind of annoying. I was just starting to get back into a rhythm again.

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But I got home after a fun and hard workday, and I didn’t know who to tell my day to. I mean yes. I’ve got my parents, but they aren’t the exact fit for the hole in my chest.

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I don’t miss you. R. I don’t miss you.

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I miss what I thought we had. I miss thinking I found the person who saw life the same way I did. I miss feeling like we were in this together. Like we were gonna put in the work and build an amazing life.

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Be real with me. That was never gonna happen.

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So, I’ll do it by myself.

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Not as fun tbh.

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Wishing you were that good always,

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6/01/25

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Last night I had this dream.

I dreamt I was on a study abroad trip. And I was on a bus late at night and I saw you. It was strange because I remember that you and I both agreed that study abroad trips were a waste of time.

But there you were. Right in front of me. The lights were white and florescent.

In my dream, I reached my hand out and ran my fingers through your hair. You had grown it out a little longer than usual.

Reaching out like that was second nature to me. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until you lightly (but firmly) grabbed my wrist with your thumb and middle finger. You guided my arm back to where it naturally hung by my side.

You looked sad that you had to do this. But you also looked resolute.

I remember thinking, “Oh. We don’t have that dynamic anymore. And it’s because I ended things.”

This entire dream was silent.

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I’m brought back to the night I broke up with you. When I told my sister and my parents and they understood why I ended things. I mean, your story wasn’t adding up. It seemed too complex. I didn’t want to have to navigate through another lie.

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I remember I cried so hard and was clenching my jaw so much, that my entire head pounded. I could feel that pressure behind my eye sockets. I could feel it radiating up the sides of my head.

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I don’t ache like that anymore. But sometimes I get reminded of those moments.

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Here’s the thing: I’m sick of being reminded of the hurt.

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I’m sick of reaching for that necklace you gave me only to realize it’s around my neck anymore.

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I’m sick of trying to send an image and your contact popping up. Because I used to send almost every picture I took to you.

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I’m sick of coming home after work and realizing I don’t get to tell you about my day.

I’m sick of trying to pretend it’s all my fault. When it was actually yours.

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I’m sick of not hating you for it.

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But I could never hate you for it. I have too many good memories with you. That will counteract any hatred I feel.

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Sick of the pain (but not the memories) always,

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6/2/25

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Last night, the song Forever Young by Rod Stewart played. Something about that song changed the way I felt about us.

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You and I. That was young love. That was stupid little jokes, and breathless promises in the rain, and nervous glances.

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I think real love is like that, while also going so much deeper.

Real love will have grit. And will have a passion to build the lives we want to build. One hard step at a time. It won’t be beautiful. It will be dedicated.

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I’m so glad things ended when they did. Because in a way, I got to preserve that. I didn’t let the love rot and decay.

The morning I broke up with you, we were running, and I hugged you and I squeezed you tight just before I let go. Then later, things turned sideways, and things ended, and that was that.

It didn’t rot and decay. It was beautiful and then it was smoke.

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When I remember us, I’ll remember us sweetly. I’ll remember you as my first love.

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I’ve always imagined Forever Young as the song that plays when I dance with my dad at my wedding.

All he wants for me is to be true and happy. All I want for myself is to be true and happy.

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And one day I will get married, and I’ll dance with my dad, and that song will play, and I’ll be true and happy. That’s gonna happen if I marry you, or if it’s someone else. I’m gonna be happy no matter what.

You will always be part of my story no matter what.

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You are gonna be happy no matter what. I know things might be hard for you right now. I know you might feel like you’ve just lost something incredibly important.

And you did, and at the same time, you gained something incredibly important.

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You gained time to shape yourself into who you want to be.

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I feel genuinely at peace with this. And when I feel sad, I’ll listen to that song again. As a reminder.

It’s my Dad’s message to me. And it’s also my own message to myself.

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Dedicated to myself always,

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6/6/25

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Today I ate that gelato with my family. You know, the one we planned to share.

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I was worried I was gonna feel sad, but I didn’t.

It tasted really good. My sister made a joke about me making a playlist titled “that ice cream was good, though”, because we both knew you’d see it.

I laughed and made no plans to make that playlist.

In fact, I made my breakup playlists all private so you couldn’t see them anymore. Now it’s just my old regular playlists that are public.

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I left your text on read. Mainly because there was no way to reply to “Mhm”, and also because I didn’t want to entertain a half-hearted connection anymore.

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My friend checked in on me after a few weeks and I told him I was over you.

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I don’t think I’m completely over you, but I think I’m close.

I don’t feel sad, or annoyed, or petty, or nostalgic.

We were. Now we’re not.

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I’m excited to meet the next guy I’ll fall in love with.

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Moving forward always,

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6/8/25

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I’m proud to say that now there’s 14 letters in here. We met on August 14th. We ended things on May 14th.

No, it wasn’t an accident. I wrote 14 letters to you on purpose.

But everything else was on purpose, too. Me, walking up to you during game night and asking if I could play whatever you were playing.

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Me tearing out that breakup letter, and it ripped. And I tapped it back together while trying to steady my breath.

Me, handing it to you. Telling you, “I’m so sorry. I really am.”

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It was on purpose.

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This is my last letter to you. I actually have a different draft that I wrote a week ago. It’s very mushy and dramatic and I think I’ll leave it in the notes app lol

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I will say one semi-mushy thing though: you healed the lonely parts of me.

I was a dual enrollment student (and I also homeschooled), and I got to explore much of campus and the places around it alone. I remember feeling that loneliness all over me like a heavy sweater I couldn’t take off. And then you came along, and I got to run around with you. I covered my lonely memories with loving memories.

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I’m not going back to being lonely. Now I’m gonna have that same sense of adventure but with myself.

Because it wasn’t you that made me adventurous and weird and funny—it was me.

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You helped to uncover that part of me.

Thanks.

I’ll take it from here.

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Actually, I have more to thank you for.

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Thank you for being the first boy to want to call me.

Thank you for being the first boy to plan the future with me.

Thank you for being the first boy to proudly hold my hand.

Thank you for being the first boy to love me.

Thank you for being the first boy to break my heart.

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I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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You’re in my story always,

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