Your hair had that shimmer in the sun when we played outside, even though it was darker than mine. I liked how it caught the light, gave your hair something special. It reminded me of chestnuts on a sunny autumn day.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijg0lyDBMN
I think you were fifteen, maybe I was seven, I don't really remember. But I was supposed to start school soon, that summer.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CB95PC4NZ
I wore your old sandals, way too big for me, but you had said they were fine. I'd grow into them. You were right.
"You know, Rik... sometimes I just feel like shit," you said, just like that, as if it were a perfectly normal thing to say while walking through the woods to our spot. It made me feel uneasy inside.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXZjt5upPe
"You can't say that!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder, and at the same time, you stopped walking. You looked at me, wide-eyed.
"Oh no!" you cried, lifting your arms and gazing up to the sky like a repenting nun. You looked like those holy women in the old paintings in the Leader's office: serene and glowing, but also somehow sad, like someone smiling while wanting to cry. "I said a bad word! Father, let me confess, I must cleanse my soul before it begins to rot!" You threw yourself backwards into the leaves like a rabid maggot, coughing as if you were dying.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TMjsm0ClQ
You spat into the moss. "Oh no! Shhh, brother, I'm coughing up blood! It's over..."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBvtSu50Mr
I just stood there, panicking, looking around to see if anyone had heard us. "Sybelle! Stop it! Don't be so... so..."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8RbtqOYoq
You twitched one last time and went completely still. Looking back, it was a brilliant performance, but I was only seven and still easy to impress.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qohQK1mud
"Sybbi? Get up! Please!" My voice was getting more and more desperate. "Please don't be so... so..." I knelt down and tried to shake you. I think you even held your breath to be extra convincing.
"So honest?" you asked suddenly, eyes wide open, scaring the breath out of me.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUaq06eSuU
"Sibby, cut it out!" I yelled, now angry.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzbLCaJki6Y
You stood back up, brushing the leaves off your pastel robe, still with some in your hair.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoT4mWBSBOG
"I just said how I feel. That's not a crime," you said casually, without anger or defiance, and we started walking again.
I looked at you, and for a moment, you seemed older. Like you knew something I couldn't yet understand.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxjIJsuweh
"But if someone hears us..." I whispered.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxFze2AT9b
You shrugged, like none of it mattered. Then you bent down and picked up a large branch to use as a walking stick.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPge3szjsmP
"Then let them. I've smiled enough for today."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lhwgLwtcm
You looked like a wild hermit, or a queen gone feral, stripped of her court. I had to walk a bit faster to keep up.
You waited for me without a word. Slowed your pace so I could stay beside you.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJCKlfdgEh
As we walked in silence, you didn't look at me.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCxrFMWs4M
"Rik," you whispered softly. "I know you feel like that too sometimes. And that's okay."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoe9O1Z0cQ
I didn't respond.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡejfyL3o7hG
You smiled. Not like usual, but just with your eyes. "You just don't want to say it yet."
It was confusing. You always questioned everything we had been taught.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SS8MMLVnU
And then it was quiet again. Only the birds above us, their songs, the crunch of the forest floor under our feet, and somewhere in my stomach, a feeling I couldn't name yet.
We walked in silence until we reached our favorite clearing by the river and lay on our stomachs in the grass.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNZzpihaeK
It was one of those afternoons that were too bright and too still, and I didn't want to do anything but breathe, be in the sun, and swim in the river.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJNG7UOD3m
You absentmindedly picked a clump of grass and stuck it in your mouth like some old farmer. Then that look came into your eyes; the one that always meant trouble was coming.
"Have you heard of Saint Absurdus?" you asked out of nowhere.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOoHjTiKsc
I shook my head.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCT25dPGZs
"He was a real saint. Official and everything. Candles, feast days, and all that shit."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WDtYjaVEf
You leaned toward me, conspiratorially. "He never sheared his sheep. Just let their wool grow. Kept growing and growing."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnpFmLlaxf
I frowned.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjGffA24DU
You pointed at the sky like you were showing me something grand.
"Imagine what a sheep looks like if no one ever shears it. Like an exploded marshmallow!"51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrXXxXwyIo
You giggled to yourself. I found the image funny too.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdauD7oDXx0
"And if anyone asked why he did it, he just said, 'I want to see how big they get when no one cuts them down.' And imagine, Rik, those sheep", your eyes lit up with excitement, "those sheep got so big, they started rolling down hills like fluffy avalanches, and no one could stop them. They just got too big and wild!"
Back then I didn't know you made it all up. I nodded because you sounded so sure. I believed you, of course. Everything you said was magic.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjoTbPt5yla
Now I know it was nonsense, and maybe a bit mean to fill a little boy's head with made-up stories. But I guess that's what big sisters do.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZ5vUx1WyR
You looked at me, and for a second, you weren't just my sister. There was something wild in your face.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbtx75GFyp
I know now you were trying to prepare me for something I wouldn't understand for years.
"You're one of those sheep too, Rik. Don't let anyone shear you."51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifTIJk7C39
And then you spat into the grass like Saint Absurdus himself was blessing his fluffy flock.51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSUNIpbtLt
And I didn't know why, but in that moment... I felt whole.
51Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOg4ZnK2aq7
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