I know I have a mix of philophobia and pistanthrophobia. The first one is the fear of falling in love and making close connections, the second one is the fear of trusting people. They always say the answer is therapy. But what if it’s not?
“Oh Bell, you can’t fix yourself you silly girl. You are so broken that you need someone else to point out everything to you and then make you relive some of your worst moments.” They say. To them I’m incompetent and only good at being quietly broken.
“But what if the answer is accepting that everyone leaves at some point? Then you make the most of your time with them and enjoy it. What if the answer isn’t hiding your heart and keeping people at arms length? What if you let your heart break and then realize that you needed it to happen to love even stronger.” I ask all of them.
They all laugh in my face. They laugh at how stupid I seem to them, how naive. To them it’s improbable. A girl who can fix her own problems? Well I showed them.
I used to be quiet and soft spoken, the one you could always go to if you need help but still the one who felt distant. I was the one who knew you well yet you couldn’t answer most questions about me correctly. I still am that girl to some degree. I still know them well and I’m still the one they can turn to, but now I also let my own worries and fears out. Now I let myself care for them, now I tell them stuff about me. Now I’m more of an open book. It’s still hard sometimes to let them get close but it’s starting to get easier.
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Note:
I’m sorry if this upsets anyone who actually goes to therapy and it helps them! I wrote this from a characters perspective.
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