The first weeks were hell.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjBgM7KeN4
What you produced, those bright, unholy screams, could have driven even demons insane. And I was not far from it.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj7TqZt08GW
But keeping you alive was the highest priority.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHN0noTdk2D
Newborns want milk. Milk, of all things. Blood was easier to come by: a sleeping wanderer at the edge of the forest, that took care of itself. Milk, however, was a logistical plague.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgUe1tvO6e
I could not simply show up in the village. The pale stranger, always at dusk, buying the same thing over and over. People always talk.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcPutrO9NJ
So I made arrangements.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopK4N1MMRv
Through the gossip of old women I knew that goat’s milk was said to be better for infant stomachs than cow’s milk.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNkAbEOvP7
I struck a deal with a nearly blind farmer on the edge of the village.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYytWwIrXP
Sometimes I watched him on my rounds. He hobbled to the livestock before sunrise, feeling his way along the fence, sometimes speaking tenderly, sometimes harshly to the animals. I never seriously thought of using him as a blood source. First, the risk of being caught was too great. Second, he had already been beaten enough by life.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rp0n5AU9n
I was sure he did not live alone. He must have had a family, children, grandchildren who cared for him. Alone, blind and limping, no one survives that long.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91OZMSEOMs
One morning I intercepted him.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuqtr81bDD
“Who’s there? I can hear you since the barn,” the farmer growled.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5SkzI6nw7
“God bless, farmer. I need milk. Every morning at this hour, from the goat.” I put on my friendliest smile, though he could hardly see it. Still, the old man was suspicious.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaZSLvIl5R
“Plenty want milk. None come this cursed early.” His nose twitched slightly and I knew why. No matter how often I wash, I always smell faintly of rot.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYbgPKhhZk
Not like the plague corpses in the house. More like an old chapel that has existed too long. Of old stone and rotting wood. That comes with my condition. My body does not live, but it no longer ages. It is dead.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUtpirL28f
“I will pay a silver coin per week if you leave the jug at the stall. I will put the money under the stone.”328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWEo7fJZIB
“What is your name? Where are you from?” He blinked, feeling along my face.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDjBthrNHu
“Do you want the money or not?”328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadIdVHHWrY
The old man nodded. “I am old. Milk is milk, money is money. Everything else is none of my business.”328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzaGTCbajRs
And he delivered reliably. It was always lukewarm, fatty, often with flies in it. So it was fresh.
Every night the same ritual. Into the forest, an animal for me, goat’s milk for you, back to the house, the jug in my hand like a deranged wet nurse out of a dark fable. Always hoping you had not yet woken. Most often you had. Your screams sliced the silence as I neared the house. Sharp, pleading. And by all gods, how they cut through my marrow.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9tVZigYVD
A vampire rushing up stone steps, the bottle clutched tight. And you stretched your little arms out to me and the moment I held you, the moment I offered you the milk, you went quiet. It was bothersome. It was impractical. It was devastating.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckaMOrR9W1
I missed not a single night.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDW5Nt4wpH
Still, I made countless mistakes.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NtUFzyLf8
Warmth equals comfort, I thought. Only, I am undead. My sense of warmth is distorted.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUKVZcHTR2
So I did what any clueless vampire would do. I laid you on the only wooden table in the kitchen, wrapped in my cloak, while I poured milk into a dented pan. I blew the fire until the milk began to steam. You cried, I tried to ignore it and focused on keeping the milk from boiling over.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzZiU3rGiX
I filled an old goat skin, so hot that even now I still hear the screaming in my ears when I pressed it to your lips.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oaBWTnkcJ
You screamed like a pig at slaughter. I dropped the goatskin. Milk splattered, steaming across the cold stone floor.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbf57WimTy
I held you desperately, rocked you somehow soothingly, while I cursed myself in every language I knew.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeL6Ynqdtc8
I spent the next hour like a clumsy village maid, cooling the milk on the window ledge until it stopped steaming and I could say with certainty:328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgTZJuZsLM
“This one… will not burn her.”
But your picky taste lasted only a few days.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfxtIvruFy
“What a miserable appetite,” I mocked one night as I held the cooled goat’s milk to your mouth as if it were a cursed artifact. After a few days you spat it out as if I had poured swamp water into you.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20VpPtofr3
“Picky like a noble brat and you can’t even speak,” I growled, frustrated. I had to find what worked. Goat’s milk you now rejected.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHM6y2TJzMH
The next morning I struck a new deal with the farmer, cow’s milk this time.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6L5DBp3V6
You liked that best. But it agreed with you the least. As soon as the bottle was empty, the wailing began anew. You squirmed as if I had fed you hot coals. I held you against my body the way I had seen wet nurses do. I walked the room, swaying you gently, speaking soft words.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ28DnL6J9Z
Nothing helped. I had never acted according to a manual, did not even have one.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqbyWfh21f
Then for the first time I thought of Grellborn. Not because I wanted to see him but because my alternatives were running out.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5auVAbSZN
Grellborn, a geriatric, half-rotted herbalist who always claims he was once created by lightning. I rather think he was conceived during a lukewarm summer rain that retreated after five minutes.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEE9QYK9v5
I spare him because he is useful. He knows which herbs induce other states of mind, it drives away the endless boredom of eternity. And because his blood would taste musty. I sometimes confide my secrets to him, he forgets them anyway.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE60YaAEAVS
For his very generous services I sometimes hunt him a rabbit or fetch some bones from a crypt for his powders. He says the cold in the crypt has begun to ache in his joints. I think he is simply afraid and will not admit it. Over the years a kind of purpose-friendship developed between us.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK3Zo0uwckP
Because for reasons unknown my father found it important to teach a bastard Latin, I translate old books and scrolls on herbalism, alchemy or whatever druids consider important. Grellborn then sells the goods under the table.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZF4GUL88f
When Grell takes them to market discreetly, the translations bring in a side income and he gets twenty percent of the proceeds for his trouble.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLq4yMkpjl
I offered him more but he refused with following words:
“More is never more, Szandor. It is only heavier to carry.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa03tzLXuDg
What you own also owns you.”
I could have strangled him for his pseudo-intellectual wisdom, but I had just woken up.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡotfqu8Q6eG
He handled the worldly things while I served my curse.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY363M03esa
I wrapped you in my cloak and went to Grellborn. Not a long way, but every time an ordeal. Visiting him usually meant admitting defeat. I was used to fending for myself. Visiting him meant admitting a defeat to myself.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlYsn70ZAD5
The path led past rock and cold rivers mixed with the dense pine forests of Vargarin, through the mire that caked my boots to the ankles.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj83aOER2CE
As if I were a stable boy again. I did not want to be reminded of that.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zlI8PqFl5
You grew briefly quiet in my arms. Too exhausted to go on screaming. It never lasted long. The pain must have been cruel for you.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVXsOnWuIw
I walked faster. Wolves should not scent us. And your howling I wanted to hear even less.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddFn6gNZUU
My cloak snagged everywhere. On rotted branches, on twigs that reached for me like greedy hands. I tore myself free, cursed, trudged on.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgHuJ1PhYZ
Your small body was like a bird wrapped in a wolf’s pelt. So easy to break and yet so hard to ignore.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSLTierkJj
It was like my own curse. To feel how near life and death lie and be unable to do anything about it.
Like me, Grellborn lived hidden at the foot of the Grymm Mountains in the dense conifer forest. His hut was simpler than my two-story manor, half swallowed by the forest, easy to miss if one did not know what to look for.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4x9o3A5Zp
A simple structure of wood and clay, roofed with straw. So old that moss had long formed a second roof. Stones stacked into low walls where he grew his herbs and plants.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjGifVP1T7
I did not knock. I just entered. As always.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzPque1LiO
The hearth on the wall was already nearly out. Only embers glowed in the dark. I shut the door louder than necessary. On purpose. As always the whole room smelled of an earthy blend of mildew, herbs hanging over the hearth and old smoke. Grellborn had fallen asleep by the fire. The pipe had fallen onto his belly, crumbs of tobacco scattered. Now he was awake, not least because of your screaming.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBLRNuParz
“Uuhh,” he groaned and blinked out from under bushy white brows without looking at me. I had just opened my mouth to say something but you beat me to it and screamed full force into my ear. I growled, tore you from my shoulder and slammed you unceremoniously onto the only table in the room. Grellborn’s eyes snapped open. He turned in his chair to me, his eyes flicking confused between me and you. Then he smiled mischievously.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYCQLGC1mq
“Ha by God, Szandor. What is this noise? Shall I fetch the exorcist?” Grellborn rose slowly and groaning from his chair.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrIICXOsKX2
I ran a hand through my hair, jaw clenched.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6XayAobQw
“She does not stop. Days on end. I do not know what to do anymore.” I was beside myself, as if the last thread of self-control would snap.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOAxJ8C6HF
“And before you ask, no, I am not the father. I found her a few days ago. In the forest. Just help me before I throw this brat into the river,” I almost shouted.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡViHMClsyUm
Grellborn said nothing more. He understood. Gently he took you from the cloak, bent over, felt your belly.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWQS0yvuWZE
“What have you given her?”328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESnUowpUX1
“Cow’s milk,” I replied dryly.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTNr7WHSCj2
“By all the holy river nymphs, Szandor… Cow’s milk sits heavy in a baby’s belly.” He laid a hand on your forehead. I rolled my eyes.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJ1YDHZmX5
“She refuses any other milk. Cow is the only one she does not spit out.”328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmaRYa0DWO
Grellborn turned his head to me. “Ah. She is like you. Picky with a flair for drama.” After a deep breath he reached for his staff and shuffled through his hut while I muttered under my breath, “I am not dramatic.”
Grell’s hut was always a sharp contrast to the cold, harsh mountain surroundings. The moment you stepped in, a diffuse scent of smoke, all sorts of herbs and Grell’s own smell enveloped your nose. Bundles of herbs hung from the ceiling beams like dried bats. A hearth on the wall kept one from freezing, and with the candles on the table in the corner the hut itself became a pleasant orange glow that never seemed to go out, especially in winter when darkness and frost lurked outside.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVf4cJtTxK
He opened a few drawers, each creaking as if the worm-eaten wooden box wanted to die. Then he pulled a clay bowl from the shelf and crumbled various dried leaves into it with surprisingly steady hands, crushing them gently in the mortar.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaDI8NZwgk
“There. Fennel, chamomile, a touch of valerian. Not for exorcism but for a child’s gut.”
Eventually, after many nights I found out: cow’s milk, heated to exact body temperature and sweetened with honey, was the only thing you liked. Herbs helped against the cramps. I crushed them fresh as Grellborn had shown me, let them steep in barely cooled water and dabbed the brew into your mouth with a cloth or gave you a bottle of it. At least you had no more pain.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJU1zL4ioSy
And if all else failed, only one thing calmed you. My voice. My voice, monotone and deep. No feeling. No rise, no fall. Only the steady murmuring of a creature that had long forgotten what sleep sounded like.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY98TUbf6R9
You were so small I thought a strong sneeze would snap your spine.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5VIo5DO7R
I held you against me, my arm under your tiny head, the bottle at the right angle.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo8lnV36aIF
It should have bored me. To my own surprise it did not.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWWkhoEHAt
I watched your contented face. Felt your warmth against my chest, your heart beating far too fast. And then came that thought, piercing and intrusive.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8HLgX40wP
I could drain her dry. And instead I give her life.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13BkIbWn3A
This reversal amused me. I, the hunter, you, the prey. And yet… I nourished you. Not with blood. With milk. It was no affection.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilmcFnAEI4
It was a kind of control I had never known before. And I did not know whether it frightened me more… or intoxicated me.
And then to clean you? That was a tiresome duty.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXSMMThRFj
Would you believe I was completely unprepared for the sheer flood of bodily excretions an infant can produce? Blood I understood. Its texture, its sublime consistency. But this? This godless broth of milk and bile?328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2a6DUC9nLN
It was… humbling.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0GJ1d5Nh4
At first I wore gloves. Silk, of course. But eventually I accepted it as part of the experience, if you will. I washed you with river water that I heated over an old iron pan, muttering a string of curses like a deranged witch while you kicked and screamed. You constantly wanted to grab my hair. An exceptionally annoying habit.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApJo48ZVG7
I prepared a pan for hygiene. Hot water, lavender oil if I could spare it, otherwise chamomile, and scrubbed each cloth until it was soft and spotless again. Sometimes I boiled them afterward on the stove in boiling water. For safety. Steam rose in the silent hours of the night, my hands red and raw from the soap. The scent clung to me, to the walls, to you. And do you know what was most impractical?328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00hOGSgVpf
You hated the smell of lavender.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJaWJgLdxH
Wrinkled your little face and sneezed as if the scent had insulted your entire lineage. So I stopped using it.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfB94vea0u
Sometimes when I put the cloths into the boiling water I saw two bright eyes in the window frame. Golden, motionless, silent. Pointed ears like black brushes and a brown coat with black spots.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyzuADi7FRO
A lynx, too curious for its nature, too aware as it stared at me. It watched me as if nature itself wanted to witness how a creature of the night washes excrement out of cotton and even finds it amusing.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9U3L3fSRlF
I decided to ask Grellborn about lynxes as soon as the chance arose.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbmZxbAmTBT
As a druid he knows such things, surely.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDDLgUsIG2Y
I folded each cloth into a precise, orderly square. Stacked them so you could never reach them but always see them, only so you would know. Someone was caring for you and keeping order.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2KqPXikhi
I, a creature of the night, spent my evenings scrubbing shit out of cotton. I could not believe it myself, but it gave me a sense I had thought lost.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgsIH3UVjl
And I would do it again anytime.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySbjsqb3gi
Because it meant you were alive and I had everything under control.328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CaF4M2CeQ
And perhaps it let me feel a hint of humanity again. It gave me a sense I had thought lost.
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