PULSE//Human Remains - Chapter 9: The Smile Has Left His Eyes

TW: Guns/ self destruction.

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KYLO:

I woke up at the crack of dawn to the sound of objects shifting and fabric rustling. I lay on my side facing the opposite direction. “Shit.” I hear someone mumble followed more rough sounds of rustling. I turn my head to see who it was and through my tired foggy eyes I see Kieran shoving more clothes and supplies into the red bag. “Zipper. The zipper got stuck.” He tells me struggling to unstick it. Without a response I shift onto my back and rub the fog out of my eyes then look up at the ceiling.

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“Can you wake them?” He asks me throwing the red bag over his shoulder pointing to Ari and Marin. I look at them then at the sky, the sun is still rising. “Kieran, it’s like 5:00.” I say groggy. “Exactly. We should e left at four we gotta go.” He says looking out the broken glass door. I don’t argue, instead I get up and tap Marin’s shoulder. She doesn’t respond then mutters “fuck off dude.” And rolls onto her side. I awkwardly ook at Kieran telling him with my eyes it’s too early. “Marin we’re leaving now.” He orders shifting closer to the exit.

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“It’s like 4.” She grumbles. “It’s 5.” He shifts his weight back and forth waiting. “Kieran- shut up you’re being too loud.” Ari lifts his head off a pile of blankets and rubs his face. “5 minutes.” Kieran finally says kneeling down. “I gotta double check we have enough stuff.” Marin immediately drops her head back onto the pile of clothes and Ari sits there staring at the wall. I stand up and brush the dust from the dirty floors of my pants and walk up to Kieran. “You- do you need help or anything?” I say trying to make myself helpful.

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“I got it.” He says with the zipper stuck again. “Okay, yeah.” My voice sounds weird I stand there for a second to long hoping he’d change his mind. He didn’t.

“Ari, Marin.” “Kieran.” Marin grumbles back at him. “Can we leave now.” He says it more like a statement. “I think the quicker we go we might get a break faster.” I say laughing under my breath. Marin finally lifts her head off the pile and throws the blue bag over her shoulder giving Kieran her death stare, he doesn’t react. “Ari. We’re leaving without you, bye.” Marin says already walking out the door. “Good.” He says burying his face in the pile of clothes.

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Kieran looks at him blankly. I look between him and Marin not sure if I’m supposed to do something. “God, it’s like babysitting.” She says dropping the backpack off her shoulder and stepping towards Ari. She grabs him by the arm and tries pulling him up. “Ari get up, we aren’t waiting on you forever.” She says yanking his arm. “If you get up I can carry your bat for you.” I tell him. “Hell no Kylo.” He groans pulling his arm away from Marin.

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He finally stands up and picks his bat up. “Don’t touch my bat.” He says with slight playful tone pointing it at me. “Let’s move.” Kieran orders already through the broken door. Ari throws his head back and groans. Marin hits his forehead. He hits her shoulder back harder. She doesn’t react and keeps moving.

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I look at all the rusted over cars all shoved into building and under rubble. The sky is pinkish with a blue undertone. Ari keeps tapping Marin’s shoulder trying his best to annoy her and it’s working.

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I half smile with my head down. It feels kinda stupid but I guess I feel like I might have a family for once.

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MARIN:

Ari was being a little brat and poking my shoulder, it was getting kinda sore. I already snapped at him four times and it’s been five minutes. “Ari! I’ll kill you, you little-“

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“Click.” I know this sound. It came from past the debris in the alleyway.

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“Kieran.” I say pointing towards the alley. He stares at it, his eyes say it all. He knows what it is too. He grabs my sleeve gestures for everyone to follow him. We do exactly that and we end up behind some rusted cars and a dumpster.

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He pulse out his pistol. “Are you an idiot?” I hiss. His head doesn’t move up but his eyes do. “You shoot, they’ll hear you.” I say tapping my head telling him to ‘think’

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“They know we’re here.” He almost clocks the gun as Kylo puts his hand in it. There’s a second of silence. “Please Kieran.” Kylos voice sounds desperate.

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Kieran hesitates. “There people like us. Don’t. Please.” Kylos voice sounds like a wounded puppy. Kieran looks at him quietly. “Can we leave now?” Ari hisses from the back urgently.

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Kieran pears at the soldiers across the alley. They seem to know something is here. They have a gun.

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“Yeah, we’re leaving. Kieran let move—“

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Im cut off as he clocks the gun and—

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“Pop! Pop! Pop!”

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Blood

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All over the pavement. How much blood has been on these grounds?

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They didn’t actually know we were here did they?

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No one speaks. There’s nothing more to say. My blood starts to boil.

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“Kieran..?” Kylo sounds horrified.

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“You can’t be— you’re joking.” I say standing up straight. “They didn’t know we were even here?!” I shout. “They were loading the gun for that!” I point to the target spray painted directly across the way on a brick building tucked behind more rubble.

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I turn to him. “You— what they fuck is wrong with you. It’s like you see a something that could be perceived as a threat and your automatic response is to kill it.” I point out the obvious raising my hands in the air like I’m done. He takes a few seconds to even open his mouth.

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“We- need to go now.” He says still staring at the bodies. I look Kieran directly in his face, he refuses to look at me but I know he can feel it. “You’re a monster.” I say swinging my body around. Ari looks shocked. He doesn’t say anything though, he just follows me. Kieran picks the bag up and stumbles a bit then starts to follow.

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“Kylo get up.” Ari demands frustrated. Kylos quiet looking at the bodies. He doesn’t even move. The wind whistles and messes up my hair. Kylos still silent. “Kylo. We not doing this-“

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“I hate it.” He mumbles.

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I look at Ari. But I can’t read his expression. “Kylo, we should leave.” Kieran has the audacity to talk. “I can’t do this anymore- I can’t- I just can’t.”

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It’s quiet again, enough to hear Ari shifting a bit. “It’s not- I’m done.. I can’t do it, I-“ he cuts himself off and rests his head against the brick wall next to the dumpster.

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“I want it to go back to normal! I don’t wanna do this anymore.. I can’t keep doing this..” he cries. His voice shatters and the shards sound as if they scrape along the pavement next to the blood. “I want- I want-“ he can’t finish his sentences. “I want to go back to being a normal kid.” He sobs. He slides his back down the cement wall and tuck his head into his knees.

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I look at Kieran. His eyes are more empty than usual. “Kylo-“ Kieran’s cut off.

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“You- you shot Lina! You don’t even know who she was! Or- or who she was to me, or other people and you just killed her! Because you thought she was a threat when she wasn’t! My little sister Kieran! She was my baby sister!” His face is red and blotchy. His voice sounds like he’s being choked.

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“And I forgave you.”

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Kieran’s eyes look anywhere but at Kylo, or any of us. Kieran’s hands clench into fists. And his jaw tightens. “I didn’t know that Kylo.” He admits. His eyes set on the ground beneath hit feet. “Exactly.” Kylos voice is cold. I look at his face. It’s red and puffy.

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The smile has left his eyes.

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It’s quiet again and it hits like a bolder on my chest. “Let just go.” Kylos says walking past everyone. We don’t argue and Ari doesn’t annoy me, we just follow quietly until the sun slowly dips into the horizon Infront of us.

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The sky is pink and purple and it’s cold. No one has spoken for hours. My eyes burn with exhaustion and my feet hurt. And so does Ari’s because he keeps stumbling but he’s not complaining.

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“Can we settle down there.” I ask as I point to a bigger shed to the right settled behind a building.

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Kieran nods and we all make our way over to the shed. The locks rusted enough to be broken so Ari hits his bat on it until it falls off.

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It’s dark and smells weird but there’s no dead bodies so it should be fine. I drop the bag onto the wooden floor and take out sheets we packed. Kieran takes some out of the other one and without a word we lay them on the ground.

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It takes a while. But I lay on my back staring at the ceiling until my eyelids get heavier and heavier.

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KIERAN:

I stayed awake. Looking at them as I sat in the corner. My eyes wouldn’t shut. I watched carefully to make sure they were asleep. I pulled my knees in closer and looked at the ground. Marin’s words rang in my head along with Kylos.

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I pear back at everyone to double check they’re asleep. Tears well into my eyes before I can will them back down again. I feel a sob in my throat.

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I’m sorry.

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I immediately shove the fleshy part of my thumb in my mouth and bite down trying to stay quiet.

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Why would I do that?

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Tears stream down my face lIke a waterfall.

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I’m so heartless.

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My face burns.

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I bite down harder.

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I’m starting to taste copper. I use my other hand to aggressively wipe at my eyes but that doesn’t help it just smears the dirt and soot on my face creating salty mud.

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I grab my hair with my hand that I’m not biting and squeeze my eyes shut.

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Don’t make a noise.

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It’s ok, it’s ok that they hate you. Right? That’s ok. You don’t hate them so it shouldn’t matter.

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I should be hated. I am a monster.

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Buts It’s ok if they say that.

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As long as they’re alive to say anything at all.

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it’s ok.

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