Hey reader,
Now that I've disclosed my disability into the blurb of this work, you may be curious to know what autism actually is. If I had been diagnosed with it in the late 1800s or even the 1900s, the aftermath would be very different than to what it is now. I would have been treated as an alien, a human mistake. In all of the physical documents such as a birth or death certificate, I would have these words written next to my name: Dumb and Stupid. These days, it's most definitely illegal to write that on official documents.586Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7er0elbXae
I was only four and a half when the whole autism thing came into question for me. It was the year 2003. I was in a mainstream Primary School on the outskirts of a busy city and some pretty woods were located nearby. Lots of trees, lots of places to play. There were also lots of kids to try and talk to. From the start, I struggled to settle. First, the awkwardness of extreme shyness. This characteristic of me would continue into adolescence, however, as a short kid, it came with lots of difficult baggage. Crying spells, asking for my Mum or Dad to hold onto. Did you feel like this? I seemed to be the only one in my class that did.
That's when the local council got involved. They had a task of watching me in class and after school and picking up any strange habits I had. This is gross to type but I did like to pick my nose, that was noted down. I also used to have accidents and frequently visited the bathroom with a support assistant. Looking back on that as an adult, I can see the seriousness of those issues but back then, my brain seemed to think it was normal. No-one in my family was autistic and no-one really knows where it stems from.
After a serious meeting and a ton of paperwork, everyone came to the conclusion that I was autistic. Yet, I didn't get a formal diagnosis until fifteen years later when I was twenty. That was when I personally put my foot down and said to my loved ones that something was seriously wrong with me. It was up to me and only me to figure out what.
I had known for years about the local council's involvement, but never really knew how to process their actions. Being told that I was never going to be in Primary School or take GCSEs or even give University a try. I was written off as an outcast at age five and didn't realise that until I was an adult. By then, most of the physical and psychological damage was done.
Autism is a disorder that affects the development of the brain. Instead of communicating well with others, it instead sends confusing signals and difficulty of controlling emotions. As mentioned earlier, I could have asked for support if I felt anxious in class. But instead, I cried and sometimes would bury my head under the table to hide away from others. You can also display behaviours that look unusual such as rocking your body back and forth for example, or only eating the same foods over and over again for years on end. I have memories involving both of those behaviours. It's not pleasant.
I was bullied a lot as a child and even into adulthood. I could never really fit in and when it came to finding a romantic relationship... I had so many problems and that element was discussed in my previous work The Depression Diaries so I won't go into that too much here. You can struggle to find employment, get a good education, have stable friendships and the worst for me: meeting people that try to 'twist' your needs and have no understanding of what Autism actually is.
With this work, I aim to not only open up about my thoughts as a young and autistic female but to try and educate more about the ways people like myself think and feel on a daily basis. Can we ever be happy? Can we ever be successful? I'd like to think yes to both of these questions as an answer.
Thanks for choosing to stop by and read. I hope you still continue to join me on this journey.
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