That above sentence used to creep me out immensely as a child, even into adulthood. If a teacher or family member pulled me off to the side, I start to automatically think the worst. Was my homework all wrong? Did I forget a vital appointment? The whole class telling-offs were the worst since my brain liked to make me think I was one of the naughty ones that were responsible for causing chaos around the school.
I would like to squish one stigma about autism out in this chapter. That is according to reports online, everyone with autism is violent. Well... let's take a step back here. Controlling emotions is never easy for anyone, regardless of being autistic or not. One of my old friends also was autistic and they used to get angry very quickly and snap at the littlest comment mentioned. Then being sent off to a small room known as isolation and incidents recorded on their school record. On the flip side, I never got angry and most of the time, I never do. Instead, I cry a lot and on days when the tears never stopped, I really should have bought a bucket to school.
Mood swings are a huge deal growing up. It took me a long time to accept that this was a fact of life. Before my monthly periods, I would feel times of fear, stress and little aggressive thoughts but never unleashed them for the world to see. My Mum understood quite well since she went through the same as a teen. My old friend generally couldn't handle those swings and coped with heavy bouts of anxiety, would lash out a lot. Sometimes, at me too. I'm still in contact with that person (not going to name names here) but the incidents took place long before my official diagnosis.
Looking back on school life now, there are so many thoughts now on what would the classroom learning be like if my diagnosis was set in stone and I was personally given chances to speak up to help educate. I feel that others would have left me alone more, to be honest, but not bully me for being a loner. Maybe that doesn't make sense but I got picked on even when I was hanging out with other classmates.
I've been bullied online too, even when I've been texting friends and someone comes along and types a snide comment to hurt my feelings. Asking for advice from people face to face has resulted in awkward interactions with loved ones, so I started to ask complete strangers what decisions I should make. What would people message me telling me how/what/when to do something?
I often make polls on my Twitter. I actually have one currently running as we speak. It's about cancelling my dentist appointment next week, to the current concerns about the worldwide pandemic. Most have said that dentists are often the cleanest places to be, or maybe trying calling mine and seeing what their advice is. One person told me to cancel right away. The risks were too high.
I think most of us are influenced heavily by the news channels around the globe. I know that my home country's news has been really negative lately and causing immense stress for everyone. There's been physical fights, online rows, empty supermarkets, talk of going into strict isolation away from others. People have issues but most shield them away due to heavy fears.
A friend of someone I used to go to school with took their own life a few years ago. The shock was that hardly anyone saw it coming and then after said they never suspected any depression or stress about them. That's when the term masking comes in. I mask a lot since I'm used to it. At work experience, I'm always running around with a smile and up for laugh. In reality though, once I leave, I return to the same old story of being anxious and alone.
A couple of years back, I really struggled with my self-esteem. For the first few months, I barely left my house since I was never really sure how others I used to spend time with and also, I personally know a lot of locals would react to my situation. Over the months that followed, I learnt that others like me were in the same shoes. They all had hopes and dreams, yet were struggling to figure out the next steps. It's scary and daunting and to be honest, when your old friends start showing off on social media about their latest job promotion or going away for a sunshine break... walking out the front door was the biggest joy that I could say.
It sounds strange but I talk to my pet cats all the time like they are humans. Growing up in an only child family, there wasn't really anyone close to me in the age that I could approach for advice on teen issues ie being bullied in school. Online, there were millions of people that were in the same age bracket, yet for the majority of the time, I didn't know their appearance. That's why the net can sometimes be a scary place. It's the fear of talking to strangers that got me at first. It took time, lots of time. But in the end, I found those who I could be around with and are only a phone call or text away.
Top tips for this chapter:
1, If your class gets told off, don't try to take it personally. Unless you've personally done something bad, the telling off isn't solo directed at you.
2, Join social media but really do your research before you start communicating with lots of users.
3, Lots of different advice forums are popping up all the time now online. Read reviews, see if your questions have already been answered. Educate yourself, join if you feel able to.
4, Emotions and mood swings are hard. Chances are if I've gone through it, you will as well.
Thanks for reading this chapter and giving my book a try. Don't forget to follow for new stories and poems coming soon!
Alice x
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