Stressed depressed and lemon zest - Four Years

Four years.

That's how long I've liked you. That's how long I couldn't think of anyone else because all I could think about was you: your smile, your sense of humor, even the way you always carry a brush in your backpack because you "hate the wind." I remember you saying that in P.E. class when we were playing football and the wind would blow your hair in your face.

While you were preoccupied with fixing your hair, I stole your jacket. You know this, I know this, the entire P.E. class knew this. I was able to have a part of you; yet, even though I would eventually have to give it back, you would notice me. I stole your backpack for the same reason....

You switched schools. I don't know the reason why, but deep inside, I felt like I was the reason. I teased you and pranked you because I had a crush on you.

That was year one.

Two years later, I tried to convince myself that I was over you. I failed miserably. There's a saying that goes like this: Out of sight, out of mind. But, oh, how untrue that statement is.

When I was in my driver's education class, there was a boy that looked just like you; he had the same medium length brown hair, the same sense of humor, very loud.... Then class ended and I left. On my way out, I heard him mention something about his birthday. I told myself it was just a coincidence. As I got in my dad's car, I looked out my window and saw you. I couldn't deny it any longer. It was you, and you were looking at me. I didn't look away until my dad drove off. I wish I could've said hello, but I guess I was in a mini shock.

I graduated without talking to you. I thought I would go on to college without seeing you one last time to apologize for all the things I did that first year I knew you.

Summer came and I was working as a tutor during summer school. When I arrived, I saw someone that looked just like you. He was the spitting image of you before you had cut your hair. This person brought a swarm of jumping beans to my stomach. My stomach flipped, flopped, and flew as I looked at this guy. When the day ended at noon, I had to shake my head. For one brief second, I could've sworn I saw him looking at me as his father drove him home. I kept telling myself, "No. It can't be him." I wanted to be in denial (for a second time), but that guy was you. Just like before, I knew it and it was impossible to deny. Everything about him was like you. Everything from the way he talked to the hairbrush thrown in his backpack.

I had written you a letter after you had transferred. An apology, yet somehow I didn't have it on hand. Like a fool, I carried it around anywhere and everywhere, hoping we would randomly run into each other like that night at driver's ed.

You were gone for three days. At the end of the week, you came back to school and I gave you the letter. My stomach was once again doing acrobatics. I was filled with horror over the weekend; I didn't know how you would react, especially since I wrote that I had a crush on you before you switched schools.

Monday came and you gave me a hug. You told me you had a crush on me, too, that year.

Now, I don't know if your crush still exists. My crush, however, somehow, someway, turned into love. It took me a year after that summer to finally realize it.

It's been four years since we met.

Four years I've had a crush on you.

Four years for me to finally realize that I love you.

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