The Heat Death of Life

I stand at the edge of time, an immortal that has outlasted even the heavens.

It’s been so long since last I’ve seen a conscious being that I’ve forgotten how to speak.

Now I’m left with only my thoughts before the last light of this reality fades away.

Floating in this endless void, watching the last star flicker, I’m struck with a question.

Was any of this worth it?

Did the endless time gifted to me amount to anything?

I drank deep the wine of life, deeper than any man dreamed possible.

I’ve created things that lasted more than a millennium, traveled to worlds beyond imagination, tasted the finest foods, bedded the finest women, and experienced all that life could offer.

But now, when all things are draped in darkness, I’m forced to wonder if I won the game.

This is not even mentioning the poor mortals that had only a century to play it.

Yet, I’m beginning to think that they were the lucky ones. Their time was short but they lived in the relative moment.

I can’t even remember how or why I became immoral in the first place. I suppose it’s the same reason why anyone would want to live forever, to experience more of life.

As a mortal, we have so little time to see what life truly had in store for us. We were gifted only a small taste of it before we were ripped from it by death’s cruel kiss. But now that I’ve drunk the contents, I long to hold her.

It makes me wonder what we were chasing all this time. All that life had to offer me was still stolen by time, something even an immortal can’t escape.

Scattered memories and moments that fade away in time. Why did we take it so seriously? There was no ultimate plan outside fulfillment and survival; all I see when I look at that dying star is the end result of a cosmic accident.

The star starts to flicker even more, for a moment all was silent and black.

For a moment, fear had overtaken me. I still my mind as I stare at the last living light.

….

Before I’m cast into this fate worse than death, I only have one thought racing through my mind.

Should I have done anything differently?

Looking back now, I say that I should have stayed mortal. Maybe the taste of life would have been sweeter if I had a more defined endpoint.

I also wouldn’t have to face the dark alone, all the knowledge and experience can’t prepare me for what lays ahead.

….

The darkness….overtakes me, the star has died and so has life.

….

You know, despite all I’ve said, it was a good run. I enjoyed myself with or without a purpose.

This comedy game may be cruel to all but it did give me a laugh here and there. When I understood it for what it was, it wasn’t so bad. I can say that it was an overall beautiful performance by us actors, worthy of an encore.

….

Though it may be a lie, in the end, it’s a lie I want to take into this long forever, something to keep me warm throughout.

Maybe one day….I’ll fall asleep and won’t wake up.

….

No…

I can’t do this…

I feel nothing, see nothing, hear nothing, smell nothing, taste nothing….I am nothing….

Why did it have to come to this?

Was it so fucking wrong to want to experience everything life had to offer me….why am I punished for taking the gift granted to us all!

Haven’t we suffered enough cruelty at the hands of this flawed world….why must I or anyone for that matter dance to the tune of whatever started this hell?

Momentary peaks for a lifetime of valleys.

I can’t even cry anymore for god’s sake. What other option is there but to despair at this predicament? I would give anything to be free from the burden of life or better yet, never given a taste of it in the first place.

Life is like a box of chocolates, except those chocolates are filled with broken glass. Never know what tragedy you’ll get next but hey, at least there was a nice chocolate taste there for a cosmic second.

Wouldn’t be nearly as bad if I didn’t have a consciousness that forces me to question my own existence all the time. But nooooooo, just had to add that feature.

Fuck this garbage.

….

You know, maybe I’m being too hasty. If life is a game then maybe there was really a creator. I didn’t believe considering the lack of evidence but maybe this was just a test.

Oh God please, I know I said some things before but I didn’t really mean them. I was just angry at the circumstances, you wouldn’t let me suffer like this would you? You're all loving and forgiving so please forgive me for all my sins.

I pledge that I’ll serve you and do anything just….don’t leave me here.

Please….

….

Why did I even bother, I’m all alone out here. Even if there was a god, he would be enjoying the show. I’m nothing but a puppet on a string, I’m sure this was going to happen no matter what I did.

Despite all I did in my life, I’m still just a boy who wants to be told that everything is alright, that I and everything I do matters.

….I’m trash.

….

I don’t care anymore, I’m tired. What did I expect from the greatest comedy ever written? I have no choice but to float through endless time and hope for my consciousness to fade too.

It is what it is, no choice but to accept what comes and keep moving. How else are we suppose to survive life?

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