Yes, I saw him.
Him.
Him who occupies a seat at the back of the city bus, phone in hand and numbly scrolling through various apps with his fingers. He doesn’t speak to anyone, let alone the bus driver. His ticket is always on his phone. Just wave it in the air and then, he’s in.
Nine times out of ten, my muffled voice always has to be unleashed. Asking for a ticket isn’t easy, speaking out loud isn’t easy. That is what happens when you have ‘Aspie’s.’ It’s strange since I have so many thoughts that I want to say but alas, I’m far too shy to get them out in the air. Luckily, I have a handy app on my phone that lets me type up everything I need to say. Correction- Want to say.
Let’s start.
Hi, nice to meet you total stranger. I know that at my old school, they always go on about the ‘stranger danger’ fact. Don’t talk or connect with someone you don’t know well. I’ve taken that as don’t speak to anyone. In the movies, there’s always that cute first couple meeting either at the beach or a park. Now, my goal is to invent a time machine and travel back to the 1950s, because who doesn’t love Ford Mustangs and Elvis? If Him doesn’t like either of those things, then we can’t be friends.
Joking. We can be friends, but it will take a little longer to find a topic we would both like. Most of the time, I’m wearing headphones blasting out tunes that to be honest, I’ve been listening to for years. Maybe he does want to say hello but won’t because of those? No, he would have spoken up by now.
What do you do when you meet someone, want to get to know them better but clearly, they have their own life priorities to be getting on with? If there’s one thing in life I suck at, it’s getting those social connections that I need to get far. There’s social media but my family say that’s not the same. It’s not helping you get out to many places.
I’m obsessed with YouTube. I can watch travel videos for hours and pretend I’m with them. Getting on a plane to Los Angeles or going swimming in the Caribbean. Those clear blue oceans that you see in satellite images on Google Earth, they’re satisfying.
There’s something I could add to my CV. Say that I’ve travelled the world but never left the comfort of my bedroom. Would employers think I’m taking the mickey? Probably. It’s not easy to be totally independent when you have ‘Aspie’s.’ I’m seventeen years old and yet, I’m still unable to go to places and try things I’ve always wanted to do.
Maybe when the time is right, I could show my family that I just want to step outside for one day. A single day. Having the moments and memories that I’ve always cherished close to my heart. Like Alice from Alice In Wonderland, I believe in Adventures and Cheshire cats. A haven full of cats appeal to me. I’m grateful for cats, not only are they warm and fluffy, they are good for hugs and (first of many confessions here) they can be cried on. Yes, I get upset over the smallest of things. If I see a rain cloud, a wave of sadness brushes over me.
It took me years to realise that it needs to be raining some days. The crops wouldn’t grow. The trees wouldn’t blossom their leaves as much. My neighbours got snagged up an oak tree in the park. That was what my Mum told me when she spoke to them about rings. Being a princess, a queen or in my dreams, an outlaw. Sorry Barbie, I’m not one for a Ken or a pink house. Pink isn’t even my favourite colour.
But I’m interested in love though. That soulmate kind of romance. Don’t get me started about 50 Shades of Grey for example. In my old class, classmates would brag about how they snuck in to see the film at the cinema, even though it’s an eighteen rated watch. That goes back into who I am as a person. The cinema is one of those life places that I would enjoy, if I wasn’t so scared of the dark. If I didn’t get so easily worked up about people kicking my seat or throwing popcorn over me.
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCK0ggi2qum
I’m rambling. Sorry, that’s what I tend to do. It’s a miracle that I was even able to pass all of my GCSEs. I shouldn’t have even taken them according to society. Well guess what, I did take them. But doesn’t mean all of my problems have floated away. There’s those moments of doubt. Dreaming that you were someone else. A classmate, a close family friend or Him on the bus.
He’s always wearing the same kind of clothes. The casual shirt, sometimes crimson red, others blue. Sometimes the full black work trousers like the kind my Dad wears or jeans. I was told once by a careers person don’t wear jeans to a job interview. I don’t even like jeans. They feel so heavy on my legs, it’s like wrapping a rug around me multiple times and tying it up.
I have one major question. Not just for Him and the others on the bus, but nearly everyone I know. Why are mobile phone sizes getting bigger? His looks like a massive brick in a tiny hand. You could even construct a wall out of them or some sort of a den to sit in. But if I followed that design hobby, I would be bankrupt for sure.
My hobbies are the nerdy kind. Binging videos online for hours, collecting vinyl records. I love The Beatles, country music (playing that genre in front of the parents is a big no-no!), all those 60s pop tunes. There was this diner we all went to when I was younger and a big jukebox was sat in the corner. Pressing all of the big song buttons was very tempting indeed.
Those close to me say I really don’t look or feel like a modern-day teen. Could I really be the ghost of a century-old girl? If I had the ability to time travel and conduct spells like Harry Potter, then I would have nodded with a smile and agree. But as of right now, I’m a human being and I’m staying that way.
As an ‘Aspie’s’ girl, the diagnosis surprised everyone. No-one else in my family or friendship group can relate to my mind’s processes. Something could happen and I could react differently then to my family. That’s happened on more than one occasion in the past. I don’t really want to go morbid too soon. But once you start writing, you really don’t want to stop. So.
I had an Aunt. She was my rock (still is) but one day, I learnt that I wasn’t going to see her anymore. Now an angel watching over all of us, tissues everywhere around us. Lots of tears. Mine was a mixture of hurt and confusion. Why was she an angel? Why did she leave us? I didn’t find out until much later on. She had been very unwell. There was nothing anyone could do. I do have some personal pieces belonging to her that she left to me.
She signed her name in one of those pieces. It’s a book, still readable even though the spine is cracked. On those tough days, I like to sit back and stroke the pen marks that she left behind. It’s my way of trying to feel close to her again. Losing people that I have strong bonds with has always been hard.
I really want to live my life, but don’t want to do stupid things that could change my outlook and personal journey. If I ever told my Mum that I saw Him on the bus, she would just laugh at me and say not to try and get to know him better. She means well I guess. But I’m still entitled to think of people like that. I just want to be accepted. Be me. I have to be me.
Thank goodness for writing. I enjoyed those creative tasks in my old English class that I had to do for homework. I still have those old notebooks somewhere under my bed. Cobwebs, dust and all. Unless the cat has somehow managed to drag everything out, he must be a powerful creature.
I’ve just had a thought. What if Him is allergic to cats? That wouldn’t be good, especially if he was ever to visit round our house. He would end up breaking out in rashes or even worse, start sneezing so much that it freaks the cat out.
Even though I observe people that travel on the city bus I use, I do find it fun to try and guess at what their lives are like. You see young Mums pushing prams onto the bus with their young ones. Sometimes asleep, sometimes screaming loudly for food. Like my Aunt, children I love. With my neurodiverse life though, I’m not sure I would be accepted or if parents would want me round their kids.
What I’ve learnt about Autism is in places, there’s massive stigmas about it. No, I’m not contagious. You can’t catch it off me, I can’t give it to you like a cold. It’s lifelong and you have to come to terms with it everyday for the rest of your breathing.
By the looks of Him, he looks quite nerdy, shy. He’s tall, maybe six foot? I’m really short at five three. Does he even like short girls? Or worse for me, is he taken by someone else? That could be why he sees me but doesn’t speak. Like Scooby Doo, I’m tempted to try and get to the bottom of this mystery.
But I’m scared of being called needy and desperate by others. Another thing I hate about myself is how quickly I can jump to conclusions without the full facts. Mum likes to remind me when I’m falling hard into that trap. I guess I have two things to say to that: Sorry and thank you.
The travel was normal. Well, the city bus was a few minutes late as always. But I got a seat alright. Headphones in, playing The Beach Boys. I tried really hard not to start clicking my fingers along out loud. Travelling isn’t the time for getting strange looks. That I can tolerate from my cat, but not people.
Him was sat a few rows on the back seat, just scrolling through something with lots of text. My sixth sense told me that it was a news article or a blog post of some kind. Maybe he works in Journalism? But I never see him on the news or anything. If I was brave enough, I would love to create videos talking about my life experiences. Write some kind of memoir. Does he write?
Call me the person of many questions. Each day, I ask so many and most times never find the answers. I think I will find the answers to Him if I talked to him or I find someone who knows him well.
But on Day One, now’s not the time to start sitting beside him and bark into his ear everything I want to say. That’s kind of rude and scary. Good impressions are so important. Speaking is so difficult.
When we got to the city bus station, I went one way and Him went the other. Two different people, two different lives so they say. He works and I don’t. I study and try to do well with my education. I bet Him is well educated but again, I don’t know.
Thanks for sticking by my fuzzy rambles. If you got this far without yawning, take that as a major accomplishment.
Oh, I’m Dani by the way. It’s nice to meet you.
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