One other comment on this chapter. When writing in the first person, it is important not to start so many sentences with the pronoun, "I". This can create boredom. Sentence starter words must vary with different parts of speech: nouns, verbs, adjectives, pronouns etc. when writing novels. "I" is the most dangerous one, because it creates a subconscious sense of narcissism in the reader's perception either of the character or worse, the author. If the character is intended to be that way, then the use of the initial "I" is warranted.
I see what is going on now. Easy to follow. I like how you unfold key elements of the story.
In terms of pacing and maintain suspense, this chapter is long. My first book had 25 chapters, which I had to split into 80 chapters for a publisher to consider it.
One way I strengthen my English its to try not to use passive verbs unless neccessary to gloss over large amounts of people, time, or places. (have, has, had, was, were etc) For example: No discernable changes caught my eye around the frozen space. Original: Everything was unchanged an frozen. "Caught" creates more action.
In terms of pacing and maintain suspense, this chapter is long. My first book had 25 chapters, which I had to split into 80 chapters for a publisher to consider it.