Tuesday, After class.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmI38IM40d9
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I had been thinking about it all day.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDBaI2nRnm
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About what Hina said yesterday afternoon, about what happened the week prior. Asking someone else to help with my problems. To fix what felt like to me, a burden that I had been carrying all my life. And the person chosen by her?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvs2yKs9MJh
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Kuroiwa Rei.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjAA44tHsn
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I was always familiar with that name. But the person behind it always felt far away and I had my back turned towards him. I’ve only caught the words that were constantly passing around the school. And they were not very pleasant to hear or even to think about. I didn't know what he looked like. Well... just vaguely. The same with most people in our class. I felt that everyone’s eyes refused to look at him. Just like mine. Not even a second.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlucHD0oi5P
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“There has to be a better option.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKALANJzDv2
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Mika finally broke my chain of thoughts. She was standing in front of her desk, two rows near the windows at the front of the classroom.
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I had remained in my seat ever since class ended an hour ago.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsaiueER6oq
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I looked at her.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuxhTxzwc2w
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Her arms crossed like she always did whenever she was against an idea she knew it didn't make any sense. Feet planted on the floor with one slightly ahead of the other. Her face, firm, different from how she usually looked. Her eyebrows tried meeting each other in the middle. I knew that look. I've always known it ever since we were little. And right now? That look was directed to Hina.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3adZYbSrSq
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“Hina,” Mika continued. “Have you heard about this guy’s reputation?”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDPCsnPaqu
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Hina was staring toward the back door of the classroom, sitting at her own desk near it. Calm. Steady. Her eyes looked with expectation and her smooth lips, covered with a thin layer of pink lipstick, smiled. She was very relaxed. In fact, she was so relaxed that if I stared at her for a few minutes, I would almost hear her humming in my head. And that bothered me. A tiny little bit.
“Someone told me that he fought ten upperclassmen behind the school!” Yui raised her hand as she poured some of her cheerfulness into jumping down from the teacher’s desk where she sat. “And as a matter of fact, everyone says he has connections to the yakuza.” 15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQC5b5G88RO
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“I heard his eyes have supernatural ability to stab you just by looking,” Hina said. The smile on her face was still there. She turned around to look at Yui. “Apparently three students went blind last week.” She giggled.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYjt8Efe5i
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“That’s weird, I never heard of that.” Yui pondered.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWjsQyjx2Vq
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Mika started getting impatient. She never found anything funny about what had been said.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzrx2mTpxmg
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I did... giggled quietly.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yfStUbVpb
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“That’s exactly the point!” Mika uncrossed and recrossed her arms, which for her was the equivalent of raising her voice. “On top of everything – he’s a loner, he never talks to anyone, everyone at school avoids him. People don't just avoid someone for no reason, you know.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR22VBxgsol
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I knew that. I knew all of that.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PtX46oikY
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Since the beginning of the school year, I had spent every school day believing what others had said. And his nature of always being a loner made a radius of two empty seats between him and everybody else during breaks.. The rumors sounded ridiculous, they all did. But there was no reason for me to just throw away all I heard. I never intended to talk to him in the first place, even now.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttmdydbF3E
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But the image of my mom being worried, her calling my father who was working overseas. My friends’ frustrations whenever I didn't get what they were teaching me. The supplementary lessons after classes. Me having to go home alone. Everything. They were all mixing together with the thought of this mysterious person who was also my classmate.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyE0UYOXtZZ
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I swallowed everything and said nothing.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9BSbpGX4B
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“Just trust me,” Hina said simply. She was looking at me specifically even though Mika was the one talking to her.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yZE0jXWvo
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I nodded. Very subtle nod.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9shD3VufA
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Then she blinked towards Mika and gave her a stare, the one she always did when she meant to say that she knew more and had no intention to explain anything. We just had to accept it.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYI5RpWiEF2
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Mika opened her mouth. Closed it.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP386jde1A2
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I felt the same way. When Hina was being like this, pushing back was going to become a huge wall to overcome. The words she spoke were few, but the weight of confidence in them was too heavy.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIOin9PqLJ9
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“I just…” Mika lowered her voice. Her head tilted towards the floor. “I still don’t think this is a good idea.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZTLluI9rg
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“Terrible idea!” Yui agreed cheerfully while raising both her hands.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6rOOcX7Bi
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I sighed, stood up and went towards Yui. I couldn’t stand the fact that I felt like I was losing an argument I was never even a part of. Maybe in spirit. I don’t know.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyXu0yfMbB
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Then the back door opened.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3NuzGet8C
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I stopped in front of Yui when it happened. I saw her stand up straight from the sound. And I could feel Mika do the same without looking at her.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4POLik9B9
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I felt him come in.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57Qbx0YSj9
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His steps were slow. With a certain rhythm that sounded careful. Sounded patient. Gentle.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8e7XtH9lo
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Gentle?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7FQNe2Yx0
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Curiosity crept into me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqh719njAB
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So I turned. Slowly. Reluctantly, like my body knew something my feet hadn’t caught up yet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIYEGLblo4
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I looked at him, and he saw my gaze. My eyes snapped back towards the floor.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9ScwTAGcd
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He kept walking. After taking a brief look, I got the feeling he had been observing us. The three of us in the front of the class. While he continued towards his seat. At the back beside the window.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpN5Ghfjy29
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Behind me, Yui was not moving. I couldn’t see her face but her hands suddenly gripping my arm already told me that she wasn’t looking at him either. Mika as well seemed to be doing the same when I glanced at her.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ikvR3k6RI
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“What does he look like?” Yui whispered.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrmLOnXYuU
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“You have eyes.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC2A5Mim8wB
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“I can’t use them right now.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPpRYPo9Lt
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“Why not?”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfC03O4WQOD
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“I just can’t.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirNlbuyMS2
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“Hi.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0Wfzj1yUG
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That calm voice that suddenly filled the silence came from Hina.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgF9XNsJGi5
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Just a little bit. For just a little bit I looked up at her direction.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGxOtxTlS6z
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She was composed. Walking. Confident with each step. Towards the silhouette of that guy I was currently trying not to look at.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1SP5PH61E
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I could almost hear the thoughts of Yui and Mika synchronized with mine.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATJNj4xD9p
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How?
How is she so calm right now?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKEA0onVfc
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“Kuroiwa Rei,” Hina said, with a slight hint of familiarity in her voice. But as far as I know, this is the first time I heard her talk to him. “Do you think you can listen for a second?”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGbe9Ucs68
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The silence was everywhere inside the room. Too quiet that the noises that came from the classroom below us were the sounds I could hear.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJg1vXQcqZ
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I never heard an answer from him. Normally, you would stop talking to the guy at that point, right? Normally, you would think that he's not interested in having a conversation with you. But Hina was different. At least I think she was acting differently than normal at this point. I thought she knew what normal meant. But right now? She was definitely ignoring what it meant.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tYkJ5K4iL
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“There’s something the four of us need from you.” And there you go, she kept talking. And of course, with the ease of someone acting like she did not just spend the last few minutes being reminded that this could be a bad idea. “We were hoping you might be able to help our friend study.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnWrWhcS6t
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I flinched. I was not ready for the conversation to shift onto my existence.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs57SXzWC7N
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“Study?” he said.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DMJ0sjst5
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One word. The first time I heard him talk as far as I could remember. And it was that one word delivered in a voice that was flat and unhurried yet somehow still managed to fill the space it occupied completely.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFYrbOxWYb
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“Exactly,” Hina said, sounding genuinely pleased.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokbASFIRnx
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I was not. Definitely not pleased.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNi24d9pgB5
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I kept drifting my eyes towards Hina but when I caught a glimpse of him I reverted to my companion, which is the floor. I kept repeating the same thing, but mostly, the one who I intended to look at was Hina. And unfortunately, my eyes were conversing in silence with the floor when footsteps started to fill the room.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsVhIDNPIj
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Slow. Steady. Careful. Patient.
My eyes refused to look up. I wanted to brace myself but perhaps looking down was the much safer option to choose right now.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtsVpzqcKS
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The footsteps got closer. Then stopped.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGL8CdPJyVT
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It stopped right in front of me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6g0TIz9Co
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I didn’t move. I tried to breathe.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgJnJYQ24T
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Then I looked up because not looking felt worse. I was careful not to look at his face. But an open hand sure appeared right in front of me. Patiently waiting.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCf4WLDlue
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“Test papers,” he said.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTiW5FzGPr
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“Ah.” I didn’t intend to let out any sound, I did anyways.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Gi4MjAxdT
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I hurriedly went back to my seat but the grip of Yui’s hand behind me slowed me down a little. I wasn’t thinking about it when I released my arm from her hands. I felt her trying to grab it again but I was already far. I felt sorry. She stood there in front of him for two seconds before she decided to follow me and settled behind me once again. My hands managed to find my test papers inside my bag. I took a deep breath then started walking towards him. Yui followed me, still behind me. Then, without looking at him directly, I offered them to him.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblmdpm4oyW
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At that moment I wondered.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPygBxU4VL
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Will he laugh? The thoughts arrived continuously. I’ve never shown anyone these scores except my friends. Not even my mom. Is he even capable of laughing?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZWxktP7kfq
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“I bet his laugh would sound like a villain’s,” Yui whispered from behind me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0cW2pDvcd
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“Not now,” I whispered back.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6dZ4qViTu
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He took the papers and glanced at the first one.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡre9XOoYfuw
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“Terrible.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuRYXKDvcN
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I heard Yui swallow a laugh behind me and I made a note to address that later.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQiS9k9yoX
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“Hey.” Mika raised her voice suddenly. She still looked stiff but the comment she heard from him somehow gathered some courage for her to say what was on her mind. “You can’t just say it like that.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0F9F4PunZo
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He looked at her from the corner of his eye.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4q8VVpCy6c
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She went quiet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtn9BGesBA
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Thank you, Mika… Sorry, Mika…15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lbPdBHUpw
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The movements of his hands told me that he went back to examine my test papers. I still couldn’t look at his face. Partly because of the conceived idea that this guy was scary. And also partly because I was nervous about seeing his judging eyes. I just stared at his hands. He wasn’t saying anything but I could feel the tension building around my stomach. I could imagine him trying to look at every single mistake I made, every silly answers I gave. And I wanted to sigh. I couldn’t even sigh.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnRlZqi1Ead
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“But not impossible,” he said.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbVSazv5Lq
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I blinked.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmL3427uDB
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“Really?” Hina sounded delighted. I was confused.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzsr8H0ujke
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Not… impossible… I repeated his words back to my thoughts.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2kLbPH9xao
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“She answered everything,” he continued. “Ninety percent wrong. But she answered everything.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmuCHuxtRa4
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Another muffled sound from behind me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71BPcljyvm
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Yui… I swear.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwz4ZtJnW60
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“The answers she gave were wrong. But they aren’t random,” he explained. “She gave some kind of logic behind them, wrong logic, but there’s effort and it shows that she’s trying to solve them.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBU1sRgnrZ
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I listened to him. And I started thinking back.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubPuazE8Td
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Because..15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6dvhNEMsE
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I had tried. I had studied. I gave my all.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nfdUaJAvc
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Everything was wrong in the end. It felt like I wasted all those times I stayed up late reading my notes, checking all my text books and yet failing to retain what I learned.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiH4S7ZD5kq
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I gave the right efforts for everything. But the wrong results were what I got back.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWoX77fUjn3
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I wanted to tell him. I wanted someone to acknowledge them. And I don’t know if he did. So I asked.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO75ZN1auvx
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“Does that mean… there’s still hope?” My voice came out steadier than I expected.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xVEcbWuTN
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“Sure,” he replied.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QhI2rKkgQ
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That wasn’t reassuring. An of course would’ve been better. Just sure, like it was simply a fact he was confirming.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbK3jAfd6Yy
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I’ll take it, I thought.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMkB4YDEM6
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“But I have a condition,” he suddenly added.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMyx3Hy4Cu
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I was in the middle of smiling when I heard that. And I felt my smile slowly fading and then my mouth opened.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdca3gj3BZC
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Of course. It’s not going to be for free.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhT9QRf34Od
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“How much?” I asked, before I’d thought about it.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIsO0LlHAm
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“I don’t need your money.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4CTXaTNCO
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I looked at him… for a second then I looked at his hands. Then what?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkXXhdR3CX
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“What do you mean?” Mika already asked before I could. She already crossed her arms again, and that meant she was already done adapting from the tension. I wished I could do the same. “If it’s not money, tell us what you want.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PUhKvDZtA
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He was just silent. Then he walked. Unhurried as always, back to his seat.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4v3VRZ4RB
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He reached into his bag and took out a notebook. Then he slowly tore a page from it. He steadily placed the notebook back inside his bag. And carefully he wrote on that page he tore. He patiently folded it neatly. And then he finally walked back.
Why is he being slow when I’m already nervous?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLRRjOCczk
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucIHRybiKA
He stopped in front of me and held out that neatly folded paper to me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhM0z0UQzHI
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“Don’t open it yet,” he said. “That’s my address.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzl3GQrby2n
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“Why are you giving her your address?” Mika’s voice went sharp immediately.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHCp8MUJy4
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He kept his eyes on me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAhYudG9L4
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“Come to that address tomorrow afternoon,” he said. “Alone. If you want to hear the condition, you’ll hear it there.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDG0ujPsQCN
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Alone? I sat with that word for a moment.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHV8zySsYHD
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Alone. In his apartment. Just the two of us?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXexqfluN0S
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Me, with a boy with a terrible reputation?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaalBJ9F3xS
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I had to say no. No was the immediate answer. And it’s where this conversation should end.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtinOlWtu1d
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡco4ZXInvTA
But the word. That one easy word to say wouldn’t come out. Instead it was drowned by two other words.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡna2NHeXGKV
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Not Impossible.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrhxGX5RIa
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“No!” Mika said what I couldn't. “Absolutely not! Why does she need to come alone? I’ll go with her.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0HW3xYXbF
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“I need her to come alone.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDex5bYkw65
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“Then this is over. We’re not agreeing to that.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDovuJqazsN
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He looked at her.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnBJAi9CHy
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“Tojo Mika,” he said.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFwO7gk6gPh
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Mika stopped.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKQgnF7Wh5
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“Always ready to answer when the teacher calls on you. Above average grades. A few points from breaking into the top ten.” He retained his usual way of talking. Serious, precise and unwavering. “The annoying girl with pigtails.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4WNcEMu7mm
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Mika’s mouth opened.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfzHD5iPbl
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“Shirogane Yui.” He stared at the one who had been trying to hide behind me all this time.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxx4fPQUq3y
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Yui made a small startled sound.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCriMzhRqQU
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“Decent in class. Your reasoning when teachers call on you is good. You just don’t take studying seriously enough. A little more effort and you’d be above average.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1B9x6xwH8Z
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“Oh,” Yui said softly. I could practically feel her eyes glittering wide behind me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nwtQTTsZs
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“Asakura Hina.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6V6gUYFDKO
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“Hmm?” Hina tilted her head like she’d just been greeted across the cafeteria.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdspmXW7uJR
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He paused for a second.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXN34WSKkh
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“Top two in our grade. Excellent across subjects. Your math is the one place you’re leaving points on the table.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfM8uxUXdm9
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“My, you’re actually right.” Hina smiled. Genuinely smiled. Like she was pleased someone had brought it out and noticed.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFkyyLR9yf
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I heard that. And I wanted to protest. She got 91 in math and he still called it lacking? Isn’t that a little bit absurd?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlve1pBLTZ
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I felt mildly annoyed this time.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUqoyrxpcl
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“None of you are bad students,” he continued. “All three of you know how to study.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xzaQGUHyM
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHDdNReYwd
“So what is your point?” Mika said. Still sounding fierce. But when I looked at her. She was looking at the floor. It felt like she knew what he was going to say next but still asked anyway.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTQKFBAyQjx
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“And yet.” He paused. “You gave up on her.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuv3bEVLCv
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Everyone went still.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTOpNXIct1
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Yui stopped moving behind me. Mika’s arms dropped slowly. Even Hina was quiet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvGpifeww5
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As for myself. I did not understand what he meant.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAZkgvgOSd
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“You probably tried,” he continued. “And when it didn’t work, you stopped. Three people who know how to study. And none of you stopped to ask why it wasn’t working for her. Why she couldn’t hold onto what you were teaching her.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOLxNuKbz0s
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“It’s not their fault.” I let it out. I wasn’t planning to, but I let it out all the same. My voice was shaking slightly, I wanted him to stop. “It’s hard for me to hold onto things. They’d explain something and I’d get it, and then after a while it would be gone. It’s not their fault. They did everything for me. They did everything they could. I was just… lacking…”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngQMsbLVFx
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My hands were shaking at my sides.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEraOzLj8It
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“I’m the problem. Not them.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbNxZIhY4P
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I tried to let those words sink into him. But the voice that came out next wasn’t from the person I wanted to speak in this moment.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLVEOiyPtl
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“I’m sorry, Runa,” Mika said. It was barely a whisper.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYLHTHW98s
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Behind me. Yui’s hands let go of my arm and she wrapped hers around me. She was quiet, and her embrace meant an apology I didn’t want her to give.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWNVfpQqmf
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I stared at the floor.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3mSGd6XwN
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It’s not their fault. It was never their fault.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIcpiIMIYE
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He let out a long exhale from across me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWz51rmSrt
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“I know,” he said. “You think it’s your fault.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1bfA2AY4l
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“You don’t understand…” I looked up at him. I looked up at his face. And for the first time I actually looked. Really looked. And I noticed immediately. His hair, messy and dark. Clearly never been introduced to a comb. His face that looked sharper than I expected up close. Angular in a way that would have been striking if he put any effort into it at all, which I assumed was something he would never do. He’s taller than me by some noticeable margin. And his eyes were just looking back at me. Dark and direct and completely still. Intense, in a way that made sense of why people avoided them. But honest. Telling me that all he just said was true. “Don’t say it like that about them. They tried. They really tried to help me. They tried everything.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VMd1baQ1N
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo28i1IQJhO
He held my stare. Never looked away, never felt threatened. Somehow it was more unnerving than if he had.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4tnxyaHmz
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“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t understand.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxaQOrkayE
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He looked around and then stopped his gaze on me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwIshwR6e8
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“But from where I’m standing. All of you are at fault.” His voice cut through my excuses. “Not because they gave up, but because none of you understood why it wasn’t working. Not them. Not you. Nobody stopped to ask the right question.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ337OmlEueZ
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Where I failed, he succeeded. Those words he said sank deep inside me. But the quiet my friends had surrounded me with, made me feel like it sank deeper for them.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡov63ONHGpA
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“Studying is a skill,” he said suddenly. “It’s not something you either have or don’t. It’s something you learn. Something you can get better at. But only if you understand how.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRs4MsIujDF
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That stuck inside my thoughts.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsbWehAuLEc
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A skill.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrvRU0gJs2
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Not a talent. Not something you either had or didn’t. Something you could actually get better at.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TzdeTlzG7
15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UkBpGp6TC
Which sounded like exactly the kind of thing someone said right before they sold you something.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SUQBWiUiC
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And yet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolAnLNwObZ
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I wanted to believe it so badly. I wanted it to be real. But I don’t know if he was telling the truth. I don’t know if I could actually trust his words.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFb8syoai0
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He moved towards his bag and carried it with his hand towards the back door of the classroom where he suddenly stopped.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZCHEgbSRy
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I watched him. He was moving slowly, but not as slow as I remembered a few minutes ago.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3V38sxluQN
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“If I help you,” he said, “you’ll be in the top ten of our grade by the end of the year.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIUyptqkJFP
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Mika’s eyebrow went up.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeaXs2ST0b
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I didn’t say anything. I just listened.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUiAFc2slAf
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“It won’t be easy,” he continued. “But it’s achievable.” He stared at me. “If you agree to my condition.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSWR3TD0rO
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And just like that. He was gone.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9283CZvnG
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Nobody was making a sound. Not even Yui, who I thought would’ve already said something ridiculous but she stayed behind me gripping her arms around me tighter than before.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqx1k654LRF
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“He called me annoying.” Mika broke the silence. Her voice had a mix of ‘about to get angry’ and ‘about to get confused’.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMYu4BOlsoQ
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“He called all of us by name,” Hina offered.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcboleFtYdi
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“He specifically called me annoying!”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sJbdACdxn
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“He also assessed all our academic capabilities without ever being asked.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7VLB8j1hj5
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“That’s creepy and also not the point.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNM8luhzP6d
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“He was wrong to call you annoying,” Hina said. “But was he wrong about everything else?”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchhAisHzcT
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Mika slowly stared at the floor. “...No.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzBctR10aV
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“I was hurt as well, since he was right.” Hina carefully walked towards Mika, then she placed her hand on Mika’s head. “But I think he is someone we can trust,” she said and her familiar smile returned.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTy14T1X3zm
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“How do you know that?” Yui finally spoke, peeking at Hina from behind me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXbkJXt9jv
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Hina smiled wider. “I just do.” She glanced at Yui and gave her a little wink.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgs5vnTQVjB
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“You can be really weird sometimes,” Yui told her.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GFJ4MfG4E
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And I agreed with Yui. I didn’t know what to think. Everything he said seemed too good to be true. Top ten? In just a year?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5BDDXH2E9
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I looked at the folded paper in my hand.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbkN7d7ubQU
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“… I still don’t trust him,” Mika said quietly. But I heard it.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bPtSmp10M
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I don’t either. But the hope he gave me was uncomfortable and at the same time something that I wanted to hold onto. Something that maybe could turn my life around.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ILpgy1Qiv
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I closed my fingers around the paper.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDDMg52w7J
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This idea is terrible, I thought.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhzwCqFMyNA
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And yet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ1FykaGkKW
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtMupuTlIE
Tuesday, afternoon15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbgMiQh9lL
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On the walk to the station, Yui and Hina did most of the talking.
Yui finally regained enough of her composure for her to tell us stories about what was happening in another class. Specifically class 2-C. And she presented them with such focus and energy that she was like delivering some breaking news. Hina listened as she always did and sometimes contributed to them as well.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SUoKUoFh5
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I laughed with them. I said the right things. I didn’t want to show that what happened just a few moments ago was still shaking my thoughts.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptDfj8YEmw
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Mika walked beside me like she always did. She wasn’t talking.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIyJwQEjryj
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That was always how she got when something was sitting on her. The words went inward instead of out. I knew because I’d been watching it happen since we were small enough that the walk between our houses felt like an adventure.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkdg3YNI0z
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We split at the station like we always did. Yui and Hina going one direction, Mika and I going the other. Yui waved her hands as she rode the train with Hina. I smiled at her. And then they were gone.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgmqRdiuwR
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The train was quiet for the few stops between school and home, and by the time we were walking the familiar street toward our houses the afternoon had gone golden and long around us.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0JLGl6EDg
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Mika hadn’t said anything yet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9LR6vS17P
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I let her be.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFtWvyAMuD
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“Will you go?” she asked finally.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgml0FLX1Ge
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“I don’t know.” I wasn’t sure. Maybe I was sure.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFu2dEV9e3
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I don’t know. I repeated in my head.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyh9QPRvok
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“He’s not someone you can trust easily,” Mika continued.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrplfM1r5Aq
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“I know.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jWtUm1EQm
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“Everything he said…” She stopped herself. I knew what the end of that sentence was.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Iwx2xA8j6
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Sounds impossible. Doesn’t add up. Doesn’t make sense.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgLfXwOfXo
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“I know,” I said again.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMT4bJC7hvE
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We walked half a block without talking.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEp4Te2F8E8
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“I’m sorry,” Mika said. Softer this time. “I keep thinking, if we’d tried harder, or differently…”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFouJSkltHI
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“Stop,” I said gently. “It’s not yours to be sorry for. I mean it.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kj8rIAX42
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“I want to try again. We can start over, do it differently…”
“Mika…”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadHR227Jd3
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She went quiet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAFtcBF6sO
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“You already tried,” I said. “You all did. And I know you would again if I asked. But I also know it didn’t work, and I don’t know why, and maybe that’s what he was talking about.” I looked at the street ahead. “The right question nobody asked.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx5QaTz8vwC
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Mika kept silent as we continued to walk.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKebjC51rD
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A few seconds later.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGhbPDqlkDG
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“If you decide to go,” Mika said eventually, “and anything feels wrong…”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3GSkRXKCx
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“I’ll call you immediately.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76Aw940y6S
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“Before immediately.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIkLyPJqY4Z
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“Before immediately,” I agreed.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJhbzKaCh8
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“I don’t want you to go.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAizE40Veu
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“I know.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0yUNRrhkB
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“But you’re going to anyway.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOe740CEKgp
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I looked at the folded paper still in my hand.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2djPd122EJ
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“...Maybe,” I said.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Wm2vK5U9z
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Mika exhaled. She knew that at this point she would never be able to convince me.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ3rIAx6TvB
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I smiled at her.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyioQ8lJpX2
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“Stay safe,” she said. “Call me when you get there. Call me when you leave.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwC0FDHxm1H
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“Okay, mom.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRFX1cMl7L
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“I’m serious.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFApym053Li
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“I know you are. That’s why I said it.”15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡktQuTdqm8Z
She smiled at me but as soon as she turned away, I caught her trying to hide an expression she didn’t want me to see.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztUjPeshMT
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I looked up at the sky instead. The clouds had turned colors, orange edging into pink at the horizon, the blue above it going deeper.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7BIC0rnYj5
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Will I go?15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Gx8gNsbbc
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I didn’t have the answer yet.15Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmokG1m34U
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But I was running out of time to keep saying I didn’t know.
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