Saturday. 4:23 pm47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT03qfn3aEe
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I was confused. I couldn’t think of anything that I had done this morning. Anything that would provoke Mom into staring at me relentlessly. I couldn’t attend to her gaze, and because of that, I was sure I made myself look guilty. And I didn’t even know why I was guilty. She sat me down at our dining table. She sat down directly before me. And then, it was just silence. For the whole ten minutes that had passed, she never said a word or made a sound, while the time that went by left a weight that tied knots tightly around my stomach. It felt heavy, so heavy that I couldn’t ask her, ‘What did I do?’ I just sat there, looking at my bag that I had placed on the table. I thought, maybe there was some kind of answer hidden inside.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnTlleyLaU
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“So?” Mom finally spoke. I couldn’t bear her voice. After long minutes of quiet, it somehow started to sound suffocating.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyD28MDT0s0
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I waited…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUR7FdQxqX
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Nothing else…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDT1hTNuH6
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“Mom,” I said carefully, “I just got home. I want to see Ruri. Where is she?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDHifmZCg6x
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Mom just looked straight into my eyes.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTnA58xyp8
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I tried to look back, but my eyes snapped towards the table. I was starting to become frantic, but Mom just sat still. She shifted a little to make herself sit straighter, and that just made me worry more.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9SqGRlkBX
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“Tell me, where did you go?” Mom finally asked.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsx42UCZNIl
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“I told you this morning, before breakfast. I told you I’d go out to study,” I reminded her.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTlrWAN8u0
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“You told me you were going with Mika, but I went to her house earlier and she was at home all day. So, where did you go?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmF4hDKEDe
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I quickly opened my mouth but then closed it just as quickly. I didn’t expect Mom to actually check on Mika. And I had to go and accidentally leave my phone behind when it mattered. Because of that, I was not able to contact Mika or for her to contact me. At least, so I would have been prepared mentally and emotionally for what I was going to face when I got home. I thought I would be fine. I thought telling Mom that I was going out with Mika would not make her become suspicious. Maybe I shouldn’t have, since the things that had happened this morning that I just brushed aside were actually starting to create consequences I hadn’t foreseen. I was careless, and now, I have ended up in this situation.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlk3dNEJKm
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“I… I went out to study.” I was hesitant, but I wasn’t lying.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPRPDBiXem
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“With who?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMuhOymnHnt
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I couldn’t answer Mom. I couldn’t find a name I could tell her other than his name. And I knew if I did mention him, she would not take it well.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCN4EBmE9v
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Mom sighed while closing her eyes. Her eyebrows never stopped frowning.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡML367o6pR6
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“Your sister told me you were going out on a date,” Mom said.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Mm3VO9AjH
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I exhaled to answer, but the words that I thought I was ready to say were choked on air when I gasped. I looked at her with genuine disbelief.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvGZD6Hh1G
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“Did you really believe what Ruri said this morning?” I asked. My voice sounded tighter than I intended.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lqrxW4WLs
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“Then, tell me where you went. If it’s not a date, then where?” Mom replied. She started crossing her arms. “Listen, it’s not like I am forbidding you to have a boyfriend, but your exams are coming up soon. If you want to go on a date, at least do it after the exams,” Mom continued to interrogate me.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP8lKHXxiWt
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“I-I didn’t go on a date. I am being honest,” I answered.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2RKMRM2Rg
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“Then answer my question honestly if you are being honest!” I felt Mom’s patience crumble along with her voice. My hands started to gradually tremble. I knew right then that no matter what I said, it would never be enough to satisfy her demands. And I was not ready, I wasn’t ready at all.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡinSls1GCTT
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“I w-went t-to s-study,” I repeated.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlUzIQ44qF
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“With who?” Mom asked again.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJdnE18RXT
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“With a classmate…”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbD7oDeEnEy
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“Who is that classmate?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepmv3T6sHm
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“S-someone… someone in class…”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIr2znkY9N
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Mom touched her forehead, and her voice started getting louder when she spoke.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSDkwrXFbh
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“I knew it would be someone from your class! That’s what a classmate means! Tell me, who did you really go with?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PvILkuMFN
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“W-with… H-Hi—”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ApP4IsKSC
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“Don’t lie to me!” Mom yelled. “Hina called Mika when I got to her house and I asked her there.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmafntQ7GJ
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Yui… just say with Yui… I immediately thought. But I already had gotten Mika and Hina into this. I couldn’t have all my friends get involved…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWR7JHhB06
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I shouldn’t have lied…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvkURbM0SE
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I took a breath. And another.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhN1MzEw4Nx
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“I went… to study… with a boy from my class…” I said. Eyes closed while talking, lips bitten after.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWiOg9NYi8
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“Where?” Mom pressed me.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jBrZOJwUv
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“T-to the lib—” I stopped myself. If I lied again and she found out… “T-to his apartment.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkvdgDcU5p
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“Were his parents there?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD7pcTsN9pS
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…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcrTr8XmmQl
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…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwiPxUBJr1h
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“...Yes.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFPM6QBrdL
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Mom suddenly stood up. I looked up at her in surprise.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKcw3y02GV
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“Stand up,” Mom said as she walked around the table. Then, in an instant, she grabbed my hand and pulled me. I fell down to my knees. I couldn’t properly stand because my knees felt weaker without me noticing. “Stand up!” she commanded a second time.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMmQUFpCYpU
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“Why?” I asked.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQeVGVJsINg
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“We are going to this boy’s apartment to apologize to his parents. It’s still early. We can go there now and still have time to come back for dinner.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OVDd3CbMS
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“W-why are we going to apologize?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKl9Z3GW8h
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“Because you were being insolent!” Mom’s voice was stabbing, sharp and guttural. “Going to their house to spend time alone with their son. I thought I raised you not to become this… indecent!”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKXuHAA91g
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“I was not! We were just studying! I swear!” My voice grew louder.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHjc4qIXcOi
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“Then stand up and let’s find out.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAg1DNjPSgT
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I opened my mouth and I looked up at her. I just left my mouth open for a little while before my eyes decided to meet the floor. Then I started to bite my lips once more, a little harder this time. I was still on the ground and I felt the weight of my shoulder start to pile up. I had to use my other hand that my mom wasn’t holding to support my body, to not let myself fall entirely.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5kgMwGdjD
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“N—” I tried to say one word, but a sob paused me. “N-no, his—sob, weren’t there—sob.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBwxRQRDzo
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Mom let go of my hand and I immediately used it to support myself against the floor. She got the answers she wanted. I should not have, but I tried to resist telling the truth, and every time I did, I was asked questions I couldn’t run from. And every time that I lied, every time she asked... My chest tightened and my breathing became shallow…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGJNuV7CJv
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Tears started to drop directly to the floor. I closed my eyes to stop them, but they only changed direction down toward my cheeks, tracing half of them before dropping down. So, I just let it pour.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmCi81OzyZ
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“Why did you lie to me?” Mom never intended to stop, and my heart sank deeper knowing that.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVpjVrDbwY
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“I—sob, I—sob, didn’t, w-we—sob, we—sob, were just—sob, stu—sob—dying, I swear.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zLWcOEI3G
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“Do you really think I would believe that?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tS5u4Vaap
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“Bu—sob, But I—sob, I’m telling—sob, the truth!”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Oe5Gak3cS
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“Runa, you’re already in your second year of high school. You need to be more careful. Going to a boy’s house alone is inappropriate, and you should know that!” Mom’s lecturing continued. “And you also had to lie about Mika. You tried to lie about Hina, and you never even told me about this boy at all. How do you expect me to believe that you were just there to study and nothing else?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJN07K2pXK9
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Every point Mom made was delivered like cages stacking, trapping me. But instead of getting bigger on each stack, they got smaller. With each name she mentioned, they got smaller. With each lie she exposed, they got smaller. With each time I got accused, they got smaller. Until there was not enough space. Until there was no air left. Until there was nothing anymore but whimpers that I tried to control but failed miserably.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm77gJEE12Q
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What would I do? What would I say? What would I even think?47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MRFFbtbYn
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I didn’t know…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZnrtXv1D4
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I didn’t really know…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0kJxa9I7v
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Someone… anyone… please…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBvEMuWJil
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Kuroiwa-kun.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs62Q7kGQb9
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A thought suddenly appeared.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HPpqBcvXs
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The notebooks.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6VnW14wgi
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Right… the notebooks, the ones he made for me. If I only showed them to Mom, she would understand… Certainly she would…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tYEel7Si5
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I wiped the tears in my eyes, then gathered all the strength I had to hold on to the chair I sat in earlier. I pulled myself up to reach my bag I had left on the table. When I got back up, I hurriedly opened my bag. My hands were trembling, but I still managed to get all four notebooks out.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCgisEfj7Q
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“Here, look at these, Mom—sob,” I said, my voice starting to sound steadier. I reached out my hands carrying the notebooks to her.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwN7OPG4TVz
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But…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcq9VlRoF1g
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Mom never even looked at them.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdciEAQimPI
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“Are you listening to me?” Mom only said. “How long are you going to be this reckless? You’re not a child anymore!”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwY5rJkipGt
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“Mom, please—sob, I was studying. These are—”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK4jZdTUVyn
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All four notebooks fell to the ground. They felt heavier because of the trembling from my hands. I looked where they fell and I saw them scattered, some of them open, their pages folded by the way they fell. My eyes went wide. There was no way I had just ruined his efforts like that. I couldn’t bear it. I tried to bend to pick them up and fix them, but my mom grabbed my hand…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ZzQ4MqfoM
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Why?47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QNNtFuI69
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“Listen to me!” Mom yelled.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0FWJdXvM4M
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“M—sob, M-m—sob, Mom—sob, Le—sob, Let—sob, me—sob, go—sob,” I tried.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXXTWbB1ldb
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“Sit down properly. I’m not done talking to you yet!” she insisted and didn’t let go of my hand.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZR7cOzTiU
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So I cried. I felt helpless. My voice wasn’t just letting out sobs anymore. I whimpered, I bawled. I pulled my hand from her grasp and used both my hands to cross them over the table. I hid my face on top of them. And my heart tore, my head ached, and my whole body felt weak and exhausted.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpS9UMCbp5V
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How could she?47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwCCCDLpJq
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Because I deserved it…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWREB0A53c2
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Why isn’t she listening to me?47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaprU6Fs02
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Because I had lied…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLT3OfRIagz
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I never did anything wrong…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEz0Bz9r88
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Did I really never?47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhI7W5XjS5f
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I bit my lips and gripped my hand tighter. I wondered if Mom had started hating me. I wished that Dad was still here. And I started to—47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVTofBlLe5
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I held that thought. I held that thought from my brain so hard I made my head ache worse. I loved my mom, I always did. She was always strict, I knew of that, but she had always been like a best friend to me, not just a mother. But right now, I felt like she was trying not to recognize those times we had together. I knew I was always stubborn and caused her trouble, but she knew that I wouldn’t actually go too far. This felt too unfair… I was just a daughter to her, after all.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9USKH2NQ5
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The living room started to be filled with my own gasps, with me trying to tell Mom again that I wasn’t lying, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, that I was just studying with him. But I couldn’t say anything coherently. They just came out as whimpers. And when I realized that, I just retreated and hid my face again. And I stayed like that for a while. I didn’t know how much time had passed. But I suddenly noticed my mom somehow ended up standing beside me, rubbing my back, trying to calm me down. But it took more time for me to settle down, more time to get used to the pain that was squeezing me tight.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfn8o24moI
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Then everything went silent…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUvVBwbKug
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“I’m sorry,” Mom said, her voice calmer. “Here, drink some water.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjLeoLrq39
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I raised my head just enough to see a glass of water placed in front of me. I didn’t even notice when she went to the kitchen to get it. On the corner of the table were the four notebooks that had been lying on the ground the last time I saw them. I reached for them instead and held them to my chest. Some of the notebooks still had pages folded inside their covers, and no matter how uncomfortable I was feeling, I tried to fix them. I wanted to fix them. I needed to.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnptfSNWx0M
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I wonder if she saw what’s inside?47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXVhYbSnS9
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“Runa, I am not being like this to you for no reason. This is all for your own sake. I am just worried,” Mom said.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHIJmue6MQ
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The dread of defeat settled heavily on my neck at the realization that Mom never even tried to at least peek. Otherwise, she would’ve asked me about them…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qFHrrYsH1
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“I know you probably do not want to hear this again, but I just need to make sure you heard me. Going to a boy’s house when it’s just you and him is not appropriate. You're a girl and still young, and I am worried that you would do something that you would regret later in life. Think about your future first, think about graduation first, about college.” Mom’s voice started to sound firm again. She tried to soften it, but I knew she just wanted me to do exactly as she commanded.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5YkokhoOO
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I waited for more…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3NHYIdkjn
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And after a few seconds, there was more…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0Q1otrTjc
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“Were you planning to go again tomorrow, to this boy’s house?” Mom asked.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhxxg9gEMs
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I nodded… then I heard her sigh.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPNX42VqJW
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“I’m sorry, but I am not going to allow it. Call Mika and Hina instead if you want to study.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5KyUAkYlA
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I nodded… while I bit my lips as hard as I could to prevent tears from welling up again.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGPcyFnI3u
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I wanted to tell her that I needed this. That this was the only way left. That I already had Mika, Hina and even Yui to help me, and that we ended up asking for Kuroiwa-kun because we had failed. But how could I explain what happened next? That he gave me an unreasonable condition to accept, that he wanted me to go to his apartment alone, that he had given me a choice and yet I chose to go back. But he had also sacrificed a lot for me, sacrificed sleep to write notebooks for me, sacrificed his time so he could teach me. Would Mom be able to understand all of that? All of the fear, doubts and anxiety that I had to go through before I had seen what he could do? The hope, belief and confidence I gained after I had made progress because he helped me open my eyes and reveal what I could do?47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BdNkXaMKm
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She wouldn’t even listen to me…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbh4eQuYCO
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And she would definitely get angrier if she found out all of that. So, I would just keep my mouth shut. She was always right anyway. And I was always wrong. And most of all, I already had no will to say anything anymore.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFhlZdbASuq
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“Runa, please sit down properly,” Mom said softly. I followed her instructions.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSQKpki7Wv
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I picked up the notebooks from the table and hid them between my chest and my arms.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjgYTeiDhQx
“Here, drink water,” Mom offered.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPv4Dvo8v7Q
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I shook my head.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlRB2HjWKoa
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“I-I want to go back to my room,” I said.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqNU6GAz1Il
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…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cPEVfA2kC
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…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIGeIPhnAS
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“O—”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUPPijUfKA
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Before my mom finished giving me permission, I had already stood up and grabbed my bag. I quickly turned my back to her, and it hurt me that I had to act this way, but my feet kept moving fast. I slowed down when I reached the second floor and held the notebooks tighter as I entered my room. Then, as soon as I closed the door behind me, I realized that the afternoon had started to end. And the last light of the day had already begun to wither away…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUhavRW6pw
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10:17 pm47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcnshoQUio
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I was staring at the ceiling. Just like every time I had tried to think, to reach within my thoughts. But my thoughts were not functioning properly. So many things, too many things that I didn’t know which ones to think first.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqQTODdjj4
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A few hours ago, Ruri opened the door and peeked slightly inside my room. I caught her from the corner of my eye looking like a lost puppy. But I didn’t get the urge to pamper her or even talk to her. I just didn’t have the strength to even try.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8S6Lc5Z9Yw
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“I’m sorry, Ru-nee.” I heard her whisper from the door. She sounded sad. But she didn’t come in. Soon after, she closed the door.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAEqpyDBJF
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I didn’t react, but it wasn’t like I was blaming her. I wouldn’t blame her. Never. I just wasn’t normal. I was just hurt.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lSkTRDIUL
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Afterwards, Mom called me at least five times for dinner. Once after she was done cooking. Probably around seven at night. That was when she usually prepared the food. When I did not answer, she would come to my room and check on me. I would pretend to be sleeping under my blanket. She would sigh every time, but she would close the door without saying anything.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXJ8zJ04jD
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The second was an hour after, the third was a few minutes after the second, the fourth was another hour after the third. And the last time was just a few minutes ago.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8ODLGVCt4
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Mom placed the dish she had cooked, a bowl of rice, and a glass of water on my study desk. Then she sat down on my bed. She touched my arm and started explaining herself. I wasn’t really listening. I wasn’t in the mood. All I remembered she had said was that she was once a teenager like me, and she had done things that she was now regretting. But why was she comparing me to herself? When I wasn’t doing the things she had done. I didn’t even know what she did. I might have skipped a lot of details, but I wasn’t too keen to remember everything.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9IprKRl8gU
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I inhaled some air. Then a few seconds later I let it out.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnv7fXYAgDI
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My hand searched for my bag, and when it touched something, I looked at it. One of the notebooks that was lying beside me. I tried to search with my eyes this time, and when I saw my bag, I grabbed it. My phone was inside. I had put it in there after I found it by the main entrance this afternoon. I held it with my hands then turned on the screen.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4y5z0EBF1J
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Notifications appeared, many of them. Missed calls and private messages. From Mika, from Hina and from Yui. I opened the messages from each one of them to see what they said. Mika was apologizing for not covering for me. She said she wasn’t ready to fabricate anything at that time when my mom suddenly visited her. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. It was my fault for bringing up her name when I talked to Mom during breakfast. Hina was apologizing for not thinking of any excuse when my mom asked Mika to talk to Hina when she called. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. I almost even used her name to tell a lie. Yui was asking how I was doing. And all I could do was think about how, at the time, I had wanted to use her for another lie. And I didn’t like myself for even thinking about using Yui for another excuse.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA0cuTl55Ft
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I had been biting my lips a lot this afternoon, and I felt the soreness still wasn’t enough to prevent myself from doing it again. But I was careful this time. It was just, I couldn’t let my tears overwhelm me again. I didn’t even know if I could still cry. But I found out the answer quickly when a small tear managed to escape my eye and travelled down to my ear.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWBpUnde4x
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I wiped it.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mFu2njLow
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I apologized to Mika, I apologized to Hina, I apologized to Yui. I did so on our group chat, and all three of them replied with concern. I told them what happened, but I told them not to worry. Yui said she would have been fine if I had told Mom I was with her.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVkkpQxkQ0p
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But I wouldn’t…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGUvGT00n5
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I couldn’t…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeGxyT4fb8
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The group chat had been lively for a while. Yui and Hina did most of the talking. Mika would reply from time to time but would stay mostly silent. In their own way, they tried to make me feel better. I did. But only a little bit.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmujzp3ACN
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I told them I had to go to sleep afterwards. Yui sent me a ‘good night’ with a lot of hug emojis. Hina told me to sleep well and that I should rest properly. Mika was quiet. But it was fine. I placed my phone on top of my bed. Then, it suddenly rang.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0b6xdJriU
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I accepted the call.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ50pt00XIZ1
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“Hello? Runa? How are you feeling?” It was Mika, her voice filled with concern.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvnvl5ASTgl
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“I’m fine,” I answered.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZQ9WKltFp
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“You don’t sound like you're fine.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EhFwoFGMG
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I didn’t reply.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAYeamJNSC3
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“Hey, you can talk to me about it. Let’s talk,” Mika insisted.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZKd0o24VQ
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I contemplated. I tried to arrange my thoughts first.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKsxWjlb5x
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“Mika…” I said. My voice started to break, but I managed. “I’m sorry.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiVmRKiVVQP
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“You don’t need to apologize again. In fact, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. It’s fine, Runa..”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdSjPwnwBBU
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“I shouldn’t have lied, I shouldn’t have gotten you involved.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT65LnMCCYo
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“It’s okay, Runa. Really.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdgMEQZ5rE
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“D-did—sob, Mom—”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DKnN4QUaN
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I went silent…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNaXsJv9Jg
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“She didn’t do anything, she came here and asked where you were. I couldn’t answer because I still remembered last night when she was scolding you. I got intimidated. I’m sorry,” Mika said.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQ8z0gFKXY
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My voice started shaking again, so I didn’t respond.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXSU5DpYVC
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“I tried to contact you earlier, but you weren’t answering,” Mika continued.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4TcbK6JGO7
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“I dropped my phone and left it at home,” I said.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDxv0ojM7R
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“Oh… that explains it.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXojDt6PvCO
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“Yeah…”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVEIwGb128
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There was silence for a few seconds. But it felt far longer than that. I could sense Mika feeling the misfortune I got from what I thought was a little incident. It was actually bigger than I thought.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0fTACQskG
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“So,” Mika broke the silence, “how do you really feel right now?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcyIHlLYZT
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“...Tired.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxglsHTe53
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“Do you want to go to sleep?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvA1hZkGSiT
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“Yeah.”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ40DYpcOWjI
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“Tomorrow, will you go?”47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMsN7OjMCG
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That question drilled a massive hole inside my heart. And the tears started flowing without me permitting them. I opened my mouth to respond, but the whimpers shook my breath, and I knew, at that point, that I would become a mess again.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZHXkmbPsj
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“Runa?” Mika called my name.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEDACKrLx3l
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I tried to compose myself one last time.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnskEw159cG
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“I—sob, I was for—sob, forbidden to go.” I managed somehow.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCNh4QOXmr
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Mika stayed silent.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdozM0QBTKN
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“I—sob, I think—sob, I have to—sob, go…” I said.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3n1agphv6i
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…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8lPdN6Lyh
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“...Okay, you can call me anytime if you need to, alright? Just remember that I am always here for you. Good night,” Mika replied.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWbTzo07AKA
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I ended the call and dropped my phone on my bed. I used both my hands to cover my eyes, but I just wouldn’t stop. This time I was alone in my room. There was no reason to try to manage every little drop, every little shake, every little gasp. I just let them all happen, I just let the pain take over me.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWvI1SiWZq
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I helplessly cried on my bed. Then, I noticed the notebooks beside me. I immediately collected all of them. All four of them, I checked if they were okay. Although my sight had become blurry because of the tears, I continued until I knew for sure that they were all fine. I pressed them to my chest afterwards and hugged them to protect them. I didn’t know from what, just protect them.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFovJghjxAv
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Then I started to calm down. Time had passed, maybe 20 minutes or 30. My pillows ended up soaked in tears. I raised my hand toward it while the notebooks were still secured tightly with my embrace.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysv3lKerLB
47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONLNKb0v0u
I thought about this morning, about Mom, about Ruri, and about my phone falling out of my bag. I thought about sitting in the entrance lobby, the walking past his apartment room without me noticing, and the time I got too close to his face to confront him because he just let me. I thought about the book, the blank notebook I had to write into, and how tired I felt after two hours of writing.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPtcamQ3BL
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Then…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Io926M5Rp
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I thought about that break. That time we were waiting for the rice to be cooked. That time I had listened to my exhaustion. And I was curious, and I just did what I did…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThXRY4urWW
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Rei…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0a7d1FvHAr
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I thought about him…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxOeFlW9Iz
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And as my eyes started closing with another set of tears coming out my eyes. I answered my body’s call to sleep. The comfort it wanted. I laid a finger from my hand to my tear-soaked pillow right beside my eyes. The same finger that touched his.47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPxzUxaxXe
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And the last thing I remembered after that…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7F7x4DZLlq
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It was something I thought he would never show… The face that I thought I would never see…47Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuEmdwPLeG
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