Thursday. Before first period.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzwFD9eSIxj
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I feel lost85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RXsa6nltA
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I felt very lost.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxb6Ieto9E
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This morning just didn’t feel right. Every morning this week hadn’t felt right. And I would definitely feel worse as the day went on.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHt9NQcIYgT
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I didn’t know how many minutes had passed since I lowered my head onto my desk. Forehead touching wood and I didn’t care if it was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to me right now was my only real comfort.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlErxekgoIL
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The classroom was filled with its usual pre-class noise. Classmates arriving, chairs scraping the floor, bags being dropped, and conversations mixing together. All contained inside this room.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkt9KsuEpWI
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I tried to listen.
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None of it was reaching me.
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Not right now.
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Probably not even later.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlewSV3v65
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While everyone else was enjoying their youth. I was here, too busy having the same argument with myself that I’d been having since before I slept last night.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWuxsrPXVe
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What do I do?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTjjj0CZsZ
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Unwillingly, I turned my head to my right, where Yui sat. I only noticed now, but she had been working through a box of strawberry Pocky. She had that focused contentment of someone who absolutely was just enjoying a snack early this morning.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcynBufil1
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My head turned away from her.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJiERXAgmT
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I didn’t mind her eating. I wasn’t bothered with that at all. I was more bothered that she seemed unbothered while I was here accepting that uncomfortable is the best comfort I’d had ever since the start of this week. Nope. I am totally fine.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEAJmHS3NEh
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“Are you okay?” Yui asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqNu5HjwRe
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She noticed. I wished she didn’t.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPxKjgSo7k
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“Yeah,” I said. Still not looking at her directly.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopi8ZkVnLn
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She tugged at my sleeve. I lifted my head, straightened up, and turned.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77RQAMllT4
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“Here.” She held out a stick of Pocky, smiling. The way she always smiled when she was trying to make someone feel better.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWrtjQuzuX
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“You shouldn’t be eating before class.”
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“I didn’t have breakfast. This is all I have.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjAKE4l7QXx
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She pulled the piece back and ate it herself.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslsiIsifw8
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“Did you wake up late?” I asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQosZlkaFt
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“Yep. I didn’t eat breakfast because if I did, I would have missed you guys at the train station.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCGyGNAeHi
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Alright, it was bothering me after all. So I had to say it.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5uMvy5dpy
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“You know, eating snacks early in the morning isn’t healthy,” I finally said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOkW2RYZjU
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“Don’t worry,” she replied, still eating, “I have a strong metabolism.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnf5NcHvwQ
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I stared at her.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFEHUU0FGB
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Is that… does she think that’s how metabolism works?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1HQwIEoZL
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My mouth opened. I wanted to say something. Instead, I sighed.
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I shouldn’t have asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfrultdUus
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I tried to shake the thought away. It didn’t matter after all. Nothing about Yui’s nutritional logic mattered right now.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEthQ3zFBmJ
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“Hey,” I said carefully.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZ18adqYi3
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“Yes?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyi4V4PtBU
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“What if someone challenged you to climb a really long ladder, and at the very top there was a huge bowl of curry waiting for you. You could eat all of it.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTI84dHIZI
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Her eyes lit up immediately.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73JXZ3Ayzm
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“I’ll climb it! Definitely!”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMjh4aSOnvD
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“But,” I said, “if you slip and fall even one step, you have to eat green peas.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwNKEVB6nq
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The light from her eyes went out.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6YwBNhhS1
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“Ugh.” The sound came from her very soul. She never liked green peas. She hated it with such passion she would never talk to you again if you forced her to eat just a single pea.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfx1biOU2NN
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She thought about it for a bit, placed a finger under her chin, crossed her other arm at the elbow to support it, closed her eyes, and tilted her head slightly.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZBUZlRX7RS
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She’s actually thinking about it?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUSUZ8IsjX
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“How big is the bowl of curry?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHVGAmWPNT
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“Huge. Like, really huge.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneu2TDvMP1
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“Hmm, well… then I’ll take the risk.” She opened her eyes. Her voice sounded reluctant. But still…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswW4WwPxkO
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She’ll take the risk…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzvVvSFiYB
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“Why?” I asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZDcQPsIRL
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“I hate green peas! And I loooove curry,” she answered with no hesitation.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJGMb4Wpkao
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She stared at me. The look in her eyes told me that this was more than just a serious matter for her.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwQCbSiTD7N
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But to be honest… It is for me too.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZdfTurBNO
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“But you know, even if the challenge sounds hard, if there is a prize in the end that I really love, then I would do it,” she continued, almost casually, like she didn’t hesitate just a while ago. “I think before you take on a challenge, you look at the prize first. Before you look at the risk, you ask yourself… is it worth it?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwElH1GKbqh
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I blinked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1zNVbmW2U
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“The huge curry bowl at the top… super huge curry bowl. I think it is worth the risk!” Yui continued, suddenly sounding excited.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXU5zd8MZw
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I looked down at my own hands. I felt a sudden shift inside me. Not entirely a huge one, just a slight tug into a direction that I had not thought about. Something different that I hadn’t considered before.
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Is it worth it?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFErtOG8cU
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I pressed both hands flat against my chest without meaning to.
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Suddenly, Yui popped up in front of me, leaning forward. I felt like she was trying to read whatever was written in my face.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPHkBrT56R
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“So?” she said. “What is it about?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzcqKsCwHC
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“Uh… no, I mean… well…”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavYHEzMBL6
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“Is it about the condition?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxlhM3ibjai
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I went still.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGv1d5M8W5u
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“...Yeah.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyyE4lAS27
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“Ooh,” she said, leaning a little bit closer. “So what is it?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77XAec4IlK
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“I can’t tell you… It’s…” I didn’t know what to say. What could I even say? “It’s something that…”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TUOtqLA4W
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“Okay,” she said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvscOJmRZC
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I paused for a bit.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf9mIO2k7fU
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“What?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMPnjsQhzz
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“Well.” She smiled. “I could force you to tell me now. But it’s almost time for class.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzzmoZodkqx
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I looked at the clock hanging way above the black board. Placed in the center of the wall.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMiorxmpW3g
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She was right.The teacher would be here any second.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wSyplMqDx
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I let out a breath.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLFgZd0Cwx
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Out of relief?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WqjAFmVIC
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Yes, mostly. I was aware that this would be brought up again later. But at least I got a lot more time to think about what to say.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAD9GR3Tmc
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Maybe… if I could think about anything.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7fV8Zga6y
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My eyes drifted without permission toward the back of the room.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL7qs56P81D
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He isn’t here…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlorxeKrcPt
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At least that was one less person I had to think about all day. But this afternoon…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dnTKH5Ef1
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I stared at his empty seat for a moment longer than I needed to.
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Lunch. Rooftop.
Ever since we were in first year, the rooftop had become our place during lunch. The four of us appreciated the quiet it brought to us. Nobody else came up here for some reason. And if there were any, they would see us and go back down.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JR8zRPTl4
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We ate lunch here most days. When it wasn’t raining at least. It had just become the thing we did.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUV1bngmb7N
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This morning the teacher had done the roll call the same way he always did. When he reached Kuroiwa’s name, he just moved on… No explanation, no pauses, he did not even wonder why he didn’t get any response.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUffQ0ns6ML
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Usually when a student was absent, they would call the school to tell the teacher. But somehow it seemed like Mr. Tanaka did not even think to share it with the class. He always did. But today he didn’t.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHwDkD44nl
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Did he even call? I thought. I felt like Kuroiwa probably did not.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0FVHTYr5X
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I hadn’t expected this. That I would feel bad about how he was treated.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpMqRXJDGk
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After all…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hHge6WVAj
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A week ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But now, after seeing what he actually did, his room, his work, and his goals. Those were different pictures of his life painted on a wall separate from what we all saw at school. Everyday he sat on his seat, yet everyday he didn’t exist to anyone.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Ia0molp1e
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It’s all so strange.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSEMFYHv5R
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“You know what!?” Yui announced before we’d even properly settled down, lunch box already in her hand. “Miyamura-senpai from the basketball club and Anegasaki-senpai… they’re dating!”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3bU8GfUQW
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I saw Mika glance at her in disbelief. I could tell that she was asking herself if Yui was actually going to do this now. After a brief look, she went back to getting her lunch out. Her lunch box bag looked almost like a small purse. That’s very Mika.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQj6SURX3gC
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“Really?” Hina said. She sounded interested… or probably not.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxJ3KvUyBVX
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“I saw them this morning holding hands on the way to school. But when other students got close they separated and just walked normally. Like nothing!”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZP40dwaiH
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Mika frowned without looking up. “We all walked to school together from the station this morning.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzH7IHBkKbM
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Yui slowly turned her head toward Mika. Smiling like she knew Mika was going to say what she had just said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6uSDm4Sq2
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“I have very good peripheral vision.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVcgwCxwvX
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Mika closed her eyes briefly. Hina was quietly amused.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukuzxAQEMe
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I giggled.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCqXv1zo5t
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“Just by tilting my head slightly…” Yui demonstrated. “…I can see what’s a few meters behind us in the corner of my eye. They were right there the whole time and none of you noticed!”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFArneEz64
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“Wow,” Hina said. “It’s like you have a superpower.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLgnXwadqN
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“Yes. My very own.” Yui straightened up proudly.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOteSuNSgKi
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Hina smiled. Mika sighed for a bit then started eating carefully and calmly. I could tell she was still not fully used to how Yui exposed her energy to everyone, even after a year together. Although, I thought, she was getting better at handling her now.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6wQmcT0pZ
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“Also,” Yui continued, sitting down and finally opening her own lunch box, “Sakamoto-kun from our class confessed to Nakano-chan. You know, the girl from the library committee in 2-C.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKulPeTIWbc
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“The one who’s always peeking into our classroom when she walks past?” Hina asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4VFAA4k4r
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“Yes! They were behind the school building Tuesday afternoon. And she rejected him. That’s why Sakamoto-kun was absent yesterday and today he looks terrible.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlo8u9brTac
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Mika looked like she was trying to restrain herself, but eventually she asked. “Tuesday afternoon you were with us. You know… during that whole thing. How did you even see that?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVCyjBOUnz
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Yui looked at her with the patience of someone who had already read her like an open book.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGTxjDOzyt
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“Very good peripheral vision.” She winked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmozERrXRMu
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Mika groaned and I bit the inside of my cheek.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCO9mRoSRAc
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“One glance out the classroom window and I could see the entire view of the back building. I happened to look at the right moment.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlg9DCmueg
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Hina gave a small, genuine clap. “Impressive.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFg6MW8nOeF
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“Aren’t I?” Yui said, settling back with great dignity.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡragwX16nPy
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“But then why was Nakano-chan looking into our classroom?” Mika asked, and I could tell from her tone that she had already decided not to care whether she would regret asking this or not.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsVADNkoNy
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“I figured that out too.” Yui pointed her chopsticks forward. “She wasn’t looking at Sakamoto-kun. She was looking at his best friend! Katou-kun! Who sits right next to him.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKcKdLq7dj
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“Oh,” Hina said, with the delight of someone who finally got into the most interesting part of a television drama. “A love triangle.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7Hl417y2Z
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“Exactly like in dramas!” I said, because at this point, I was already invested.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvbeRuTrQG
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I heard Mika sigh beside me.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFV6KvEDwXb
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While Yui and Hina continued for a few more exchanges, Mika spoke to me.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ai49esGV3
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“So.” She set her chopsticks down. “What happened yesterday?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7C40S0Woq
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Yui stopped talking mid-sentence.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpbkasIGdip
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Hina was already staring at us expecting to hear my answer.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjY3EXiNAH0
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I… I didn’t feel ready to say anything.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBR0LM8QpH
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The rooftop went a little quieter.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hbx2WUJUx
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I stared at my food for a moment before I found the first few words that appeared in my mind.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjAJpXuiI8
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“Nothing really happened,” I said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFvpsU2Z5Zt
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“What do you mean?” Yui asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRWq78JON9
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I turned my chopsticks over in my hand once. Twice.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0p1rLw2hm
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My friends patiently waited, but I knew I couldn’t let them wait any longer.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRiHj0Og62
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“I got there, he let me in, I sat in his living room, he got me a soda, he brought out a table, and then we talked about the condition. He said I didn’t have to give him an answer right then. That if I came back today it would mean I accepted, and if I didn’t that was fine too. And then I went home.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ92UJ8BTTIm
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“That’s really all?” Hina asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9Wd5nsQbP
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“Yeah.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsu8D5j1y4
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I wasn’t lying. Everything I said was true. There were just some things I didn’t add. Because they would land very heavy no matter the words I chose to say. His workspace, his sacrifices, and then the condition itself. And how he would just sit on the sofa and read his book after all that. Like nothing, like everything he had just said didn’t matter at all.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tAFdB633W
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I took a quick look at Mika and I knew already what she was going to say.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwj1MmX2AxL
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“What’s the condition?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYqSFjzbE6K
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I knew it85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEkTIfaVao
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“...I can’t tell you.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSn2gwt4oG
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“That’s not acceptable.” Her voice lifted slightly. “I knew I should have come with you.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxEtzicEU8J
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“It’s fine,” I said. “I’m going to be fine. You don’t need to worry.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oK1xzSLo3
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Mika stared at me. Her eyebrows knitting showed that she didn’t like what she heard.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNcR9e1fnr
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“Why are you saying it like you’ve already decided to go back?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLpokXlcYZ
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I opened my mouth. Closed it.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSPZuOM2YKm
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Have I?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpO0xGd62al
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I thought about it and slowly, I was surrounded by quiet.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpSnGhGSkq
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“I…” I hesitated.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0AReeBSWL
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“You have decided to go, haven’t you?” The tone of her voice started to sound accusatory. “I can tell.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa3x6M8IVN3
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I didn’t argue.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1uQdSBpP7
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I knew I haven’t decided yet.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOug5x3m5Jv
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Or… maybe…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnCen9BIP2
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I was just convincing myself that I hadn’t decided even though I was already thinking about what would happen this afternoon.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAPuEE1D5p
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“How can you always make reckless decisions like that?” Mika continued.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNdOstP7nI
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“I haven’t said I am going, right?” I replied.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqo3jKzbv0M
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“But you didn’t say that you wouldn’t go.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhbTy35JPF
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“Mika, don’t make up things I haven’t said.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYb8mz6EhJ
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“It doesn’t matter, what matters most is that you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to always expose yourself to danger.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgLNWuew1V
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“It’s not dangerous.” I paused. I knew I was lying.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ91tbKg0FGA
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“If it’s not, then tell us what Kuroiwa’s condition is.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aY9w9jLoR
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“I… it’s none of your business…”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVuxetku2H
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I looked down.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHd1I856Uem
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I noticed that both Mika and my lunchbox were already lying on the concrete. Grains of rice everywhere. Her favorite dish, my favorite dish, both our chopsticks… they were thrown when we stood up. I didn’t even realize I had stood up. She probably didn’t either.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdYjyxv2bB
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Mika grabbed my hand.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsyPVQtFAHR
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“You don’t have to go,” she said and her voice was trying to reach me even though I could hear it perfectly. “We can go back to studying together. All four of us. We’ll find a different approach this time. We’ll do better.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCJZfQz025
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“There’s no time,” I said quietly. “Midterms are next week, only six days left, including today. If one week didn’t produce any result… how would six days be different?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPypgvuLkIE
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Mika let go of my hand.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpWxfz9ts5
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“So instead you are choosing to accept a condition you can’t even tell us? You’re choosing to believe what he said?” Mika’s words were just coming, she wasn’t stopping herself anymore. “He is not a miracle worker. It’s not like he can actually turn your scores around in six days either!”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSguGYaDiwm
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She paused for a second and let out a small gasp. I could see it on her face… regret… and the recognition of what she’d just implied. That even if I tried, the outcome was already written. That I was going to fail regardless.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMs2LLBCDw5
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She didn’t say she was sorry. She just looked down. I saw her grip both her hands but also bite her lip trying not to say anymore.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWeUDseUfLl
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What she said was true. I couldn’t deny it. And that’s exactly why I needed to say what I was about to say.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZeZ6JrYuX
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“He told me he can.” I kept my voice careful. Even. “He told me my answers weren’t random. That even though they were wrong, they were well thought of. That if we applied the right methods, I would eventually produce the right answers.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnT1xGLvSG
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“You can’t trust him,” Mika mumbled.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLN1DWoD4M
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“I don’t,” I said it plainly. “But he’s the only hope I have left.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZA4Ov2gqYz
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My hands tightened slightly on my sides.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU367eSEMYN
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“I don’t want to worry my mother anymore,” I said. “All four of us have been studying together since last year, but I still ended up taking supplementary lessons. It’s even a miracle that I was able to move up with you all. Last year was hard enough and now the material is harder. I laughed it off to you guys whenever I failed a subject. I tried not to show you that I was actually worried. Whenever I was at home, I studied. Whenever I was with you, I studied. But no matter how many times we did this, I could never keep up. I feel like I’ve wasted all your time, and I don’t…” My voice choked for a second, but I pushed through it. “I don’t want to be a burden to all of you anymore...”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmreHV1UJmn
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Tears welled from the corner of my eyes. I fought to keep them from dropping but they kept on flowing down my cheeks.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxpyX2FCaU
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I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see myself in the expressions my friends were wearing right now.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kdsoF4QQc
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I felt Mika come closer, and then I felt her arms wrap around me. She buried her face against my shoulder and I felt it slowly getting soaked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhRpa0Q8ez
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“I’m sorry,” she said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ96ttzdyFn
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“Don’t be.” I shook my head slightly. “It’s not your fault. You’ve been helping me a lot since we were kids. How could any of this be your fault?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2zYhOypzH
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Mika let go of me but not my hands. She gripped them tightly, but carefully.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtahA7QDOXK
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“Are you going?” she asked. Her voice was still faint with sobs.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTShuGp5T9
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“...Yeah.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvRgmeC3K8
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Yui made a sound from somewhere and then her arms were around both of us, holding on without saying anything, trying very hard not to sob and not quite managing.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrjvQbq8BJ
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After a moment Hina stood up. She came to us and placed her hand on each of our heads in turn. Gently, unhurried. Then she looked at Mika.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF7CrDJSbqt
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“If you’re that worried,” she said, “go with her this afternoon. You don’t have to go inside. Just wait nearby.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5E66Y64Juh
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“What if it takes a long time?” I asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNE3cDf6N5
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“Then she goes home.” Hina’s voice was calm. “But we both know she won’t.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwCdOVKyiX
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“I’ll wait,” Mika said immediately. She pulled back enough to look at me properly, eyes still wet but firm and steady. “I’ll come with you and wait outside. Somewhere close.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9gYAxywbr
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I nodded.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9rNbeMeM3
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Yui, still holding both of us, let out a long shaky breath.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbVQsWLU624
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“Please don’t fight again,” she said, almost begging.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSlGsh3DI16
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“Yui.” Hina’s voice was gentle. “That’s just how it is sometimes. We argue because we care. And then we come back to each other. That’s what it means to be friends.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0CmHtLRiD
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Yui peeked up at her, still sniffling, as she thought about what Hina had just told her.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYh4PEKZ0QI
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“Okay,” she said quietly.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2LLYWboS1
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I looked at the three of them. Mika with her wet eyes and her steady conviction. Yui, who had wrapped herself around us both and refused to let go. Hina, who knew exactly what to say whenever things like this happened.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKivios7UuO
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These were my people. All of them. And I wasn’t going to let myself fail in front of them without having tried absolutely everything available to me first.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpXOfVyWZ6
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This afternoon…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNN9uq2N7KQ
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I’ll have my resolve.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAzsrb2DrRq
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTgWqM8CCh
Afternoon.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyJhSp9wLH
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Mika walked with me to the building and stopped at the park just beside it. She’d insisted she wasn’t going anywhere. I told her she didn’t need to wait if I took too long, but she only gave me the look, her look that said she heard me, but she was the one who would decide whether she stayed or not.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLmmI0CvNh
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I smiled at her. She smiled back. We laughed for a bit, the kind of laugh that showed that we were both okay, that we were both fine and we were going to be best friends for a long time.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPF5WFSrruZ
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I went inside, found the intercom panel, and typed in Kuroiwa’s room number.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwVVQa2wlU9
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“Who?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisis17R9Gk
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Hmm?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIVvvhulnI
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His voice sounded a bit different today. Was he sick? I mean, it still sounded stern and strict but… somehow a bit mellowed.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXq2YcRHWX
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I shook my head.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMEcJAcniZ
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Mellow didn’t seem like the right word to describe him. It didn’t seem right at all. I didn’t know why I thought of it.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNkxWF8hJB
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I told him it was me, then the inner door opened.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukxqxnCnk5
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I took the elevator to the fifth floor, and when I stopped in front of his door I immediately found the doorbell. I had reminded myself of that one ever since I entered the lobby.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMqbsHZFGM
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I pressed it and waited.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6MZ4U401A
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A few seconds passed and the door opened.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjoFYVJrcn
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Then I understood what was bothering me about his voice earlier.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZxpw7iU5s
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He looked… exhausted…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4eBb2tGX8X
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His hair was messier than its usual mess. The shadows under his eyes were darker and more pronounced. The way he was standing wasn’t quite as straight as it always was, like he was acutely aware that if he didn’t balance himself, he would fall.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi1uI0Tuj4A
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“Wait here,” he said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMUPpjuq8b2
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He left the door open and disappeared into the other room he hadn’t shown me yesterday.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0odf834nBt
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I didn’t know what to think. Was he not going to invite me in?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpFnmnYXO9
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This is quite awkward.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CNppTAceA
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A minute passed. One minute of pure confusion ran through my mind. Maybe it was even five minutes. Who knows, all I know was that I was standing in front of his door, outside his open door to be exact.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOisKX1nCLw
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Why is everything with him always so specific and so unclear at the same time?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjljRUko4p9
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I sighed quietly.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXciVBBb6P
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And then he came back.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEmoj3Isiy
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With notebooks?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEzSJGqcsI
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A lot of them… stacked and thick. I could already see myself struggling to hold all of them in my hands. And I could also see him struggling to keep his balance while carrying them as he kept walking towards me.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GHWj6rNzZ
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He managed though.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShhQ5V99jE
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“Hands,” he said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MqLheQ8GS
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That didn’t sound right to me for some reason.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIxW2MrFDr
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxQqSUQdg2
But I still reached both my hands out.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEf18CIF7rp
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpoM8W5dEJ
He placed all those notebooks on top of them and I almost fell. Thankfully I didn’t.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWASGmAWoQn
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6vVfNQRzh
“The three notebooks at the bottom are for the finals. You won’t be needing them right now,” he explained.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuqR20cNV0
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwsaLYfniru
I tried to count how many notebooks he had placed on my hands.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DaRqISlvj
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVoWcZnKuG
… nine…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Zm8Xn3Vvc
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6fYOVtE6D
Nine notebooks… Nine? Each one as thick as a novel?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHY9djsIfY
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOp4DWLg5n0
“The rest are the ones you’ll need for midterms. They will also be used for the finals,” he continued85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhA4kdanLx9
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpThwi3bG6I
“That’s… that’s a lot,” I said. I had no idea that we needed this many notebooks for this term. Do we really?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgcSv3OVIiE
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtmeAc2mXQ
“That’s all,” he said. “You can go home now.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkkBQqLTLL
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEFyJJ50Ls
I blinked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5tSWFIW0Yl
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That’s it? Just… here are some notebooks, go home?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUv1YURm7m
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TERTzj1dm
He moved to close the door.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLeM5YqUU7
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“Wait.” The word came out before I’d decided to say it.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxELphyvjY
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwMikgSq2L
He stopped.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm81duVF18Z
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“Are we not starting today?” I asked.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBgTcL1Fn0
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IGDxZrGw6
“No need. There’s enough time.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbktI7P9Sj6
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Is there though?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSqtp76Xoj
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My mouth moved before my brain caught up.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5VjRQtG8M
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA6uCGNE8fH
“Why were you absent?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLHqQsuSmf
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFvydh6pTI
“I was writing those.” He nodded at the notebooks in my arms.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkk9cY2Ydol
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He wrote these!? Really?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcb7YXQ8Uwt
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpLN8aeown
I wanted to check, I wanted to look inside one of the notebooks, but my arms were currently occupied and I found myself wishing I could grow at least one more. Just for this moment.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMavqa1Nas
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6O18ujUwOW
“Since… when?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaBln1PK8a
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73FiuOBUu6
“Yesterday, after you left. I finished a few minutes before you arrived today.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdsfYqqtuP
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I stared at him.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrisjiDVRep
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ843HrY2ohT
“Did you sleep?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkO19CfAF6
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“No.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9fbX592o7
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“Why?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ489EGvQuV
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He looked at me and I guessed he was trying to understand why I asked a question with an obvious answer.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDe8P7cWob
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lE0lOSvc9
“You want to pass,” he said. “I wrote you materials to help you do that.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTI4I3ouDT
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGs2rfPsTod
I opened my mouth to say something… maybe a thank you, maybe ask him why again, or ask what was wrong with him… but none of it came out.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQRkDw3m6i
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoscue2kSo8
He hadn’t slept just to write all these nine notebooks I was carrying? I didn’t understand. Every time I thought I had some tiny grasp of who he was, he would just shatter it right in front of me.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjjN00aosEr
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNB3rAXVIlC
I had asked him why?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSN8Sb1gBA
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTYxKCTShX
He had answered because I needed help.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZrFijmY5wF
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I had asked him again…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4DiPmP0aX
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMHVFdrPWZ
He had answered because I wanted to pass.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1fVXl8BSIG
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfZNXa5uKn
Was it really that simple to him? That he didn’t have to think too much about it. Just, I could help you so I would help you.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovEayf0ddy
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUzZProlLI
Why?85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3q14IwzHP
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I asked him that question one more time from my thoughts.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EKGToXd83
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“Is that all?” he said.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPdlfFofwD
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREyrSdrxd5
“Umm… wait.” I hesitated for a bit. “Don’t you need to hear my decision?”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGgoUQyOIf
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPaMoNSEUPj
He stared at me for a moment.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyZG9CSXZa
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xcNgwf2yH
“But you are here now.”85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexuaRbUg4r
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPdSmMRGPCD
This guy…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2narHV1Fy
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK88VGwD0JN
I just nodded, I didn’t know what to say anymore.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoLNv17lhF
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl0h3Qxg8u6
“If that’s all then… Goodnight…” he said as he slowly closed his door.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1m0ENMGfT
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxBC7GJBe30
It was the middle of the afternoon. The light outside was still golden.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKf3DbGWP0w
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKxhqJb4IU
I stood there for a few more minutes until my arms started reminding me I was holding nine heavy notebooks.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSXMPhq5QC
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYR5xDP3Aa8
I placed them on the floor first, knelt down, then carefully placed eight of them in my bag. They were so thick that one of them had to be left out. I stood up and carefully balanced the weight of my bag while I tucked the remaining notebook under my armpit.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1cofj286Ek
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BjtqSsS0S
I faced his door and bowed just a little. The only way I could express gratitude now, because I didn’t earlier while he was here.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2psq2IqxM
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzy57tNuY3Y
I walked towards the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor and waited for the doors to close. I started thinking about Mika waiting in the park below, about the curry at the top of the ladder, about the image of him sitting alone in that room all night writing materials for someone he’d spoken to exactly twice.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cL6PSdH3z
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I don’t trust him, I told Mika. And that was true.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡliMvUG5OO5
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtrJOGQAtLY
But maybe it wasn’t about that at all.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAT74aUPZRW
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Maybe… it was more about whether the prize was worth it or not…85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUCBF9hIiq
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tI7F1KP1U
I felt the heaviness of my bag, then took the notebook under my armpits and gripped it with my hand.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83mwzcDNjw
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkerCNFKu9
Then a thought came right after.85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PSGM5DrfH
85Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMhyZX9Ltxq
I think it’s worth it.
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