Your use of different layers of communication is awesome. It is like a conbination of the Borg and Jadzia Dax in Star Trek. Maybe you could introduce the log with the word, Accessing: (Digital)
For telepathy with a symbiote, you can distinguish it with italics, as long as you are consistant. At the same time, note feeling the presence of the symbiote or it sensing you.
Thoughts are called subtext. They can be written without quotes to distinguish them from actual speech, which has quotes.
About punctuation, it's "misused" cause I want to mark graphically the different layers of comunication: speech (audio/vocal), toughts, digital. About the screen text log at the beginning, it wants to recall coding... you can say it's metanarrative of some sort
***** appears to be a text screen log. If that is the case, set it off in a graphic or indicate someone is reading it. The first sentence must start, "One" (capital letter). One step at a time is redundant with walked. You could just say I walked (cautiously)....
"Baby..." changes the activity from walking to talking, but not in real time, to someone else with a symbiote. What I mean is: "your" refers back to "Baby" in English. At this point it is unclear who the listener is. Perhaps the speaker is talking to his/her symbiote. If that is the case, the conversation is with (himself/herself) as an entity with a symbiote, not human.
In the paragraph, "I walked..." Indicates that the speak is the one who has the symbiote. This is confusing based on what I read earlier.
Is there some kind of link to the listener, which is not identified as yet? The situation is quite intriguing in any case.
"shot" is a transitive verb, requiring an object. You could use "fired," which is intransitve. Or you can say, ...shot their weapons.
The speaker from the beginning is "Devil"?
Where is "ULS" defined? Did I miss that one? Also, FMP (a designation) and SAI. (a piece of equipment?)
Misuse of him(:). Start an new sentence instead. "him. The two were..."
"Devil, I'm online. Delta 4-2, are you there?," said the voice in my helmet.
"Roger that." I...
The punctuation mark (-) is frequently misused. You could delete all of them. Evem if you meant (--) it is still misused.
Alpha 3 is coming. Not "are"
Not sure what "Frrz" means. Some kind of profanity?
(one step in front of the other) feels like a mechanical movement. If that is not the case, its OK. If not, you do not need it, its wordy.
Sometimes I like to use some onomatopoeia like in the comics to describe sounds. Frrz maybe is not good to describe an electrostatic discharge in english. What's the right word you'll use?
Also, I really need help on one thing: Daith and Deena are peculiar names that needs proper pronunciation. How will you describe the right one in English? Daith is from a gaelic word and it's said with the "a" like the "a" from "america", "Dàt", while Deena ends is with the "a" like Daith but the emphasis is on the last letter cose it's french "Dinà".
When AI is in a stressed syllable, the pitch of my voice glides up and then down. AI. Time. (short i)But in an unstressed syllable, the AI vowel is pronounced at a lower pitch with a flatter shape and it is quicker. AI. AI. It can also sound like a long "a" sound like in "wait" If you want a short "a" sound in Daith use ă. But do not include the "i" Also, the final "h" makes a smooth ending sound. If you want the "t" to be strong, remove the "h". I recommend you to include a phonetics list in the beginning. That way you do not need to mark all the vowels throughout the book and you can keep the original spelling. In that list you could put the accent mark ( ́) over the "a" in Deena. "ee" is a long e sound ē. ī is phonetics mark for a long "i" sound like in "site". The problem with unmarked vowels in English names is that they can be long or short, depending on the country of origin. There are very few original American English names. In summary, use the diacritical marks above or use a phonetics list in the beginning.
Normally Americans use "zap" but that only applies when someone touches the source of the charge, or if the sound is very short like a bug zapping device. I would experiment with zazaza to indicate the constant hum of electricity (AC current). Do not use zzz, this is for sleeping. Thunder is described as clap. I have never seen this described in print before. Frrz sounds too much like "freeze or frizzy." The American mind would make that association. Sorry for my inexperience in this area.
For telepathy with a symbiote, you can distinguish it with italics, as long as you are consistant. At the same time, note feeling the presence of the symbiote or it sensing you.
Thoughts are called subtext. They can be written without quotes to distinguish them from actual speech, which has quotes.
About the screen text log at the beginning, it wants to recall coding... you can say it's metanarrative of some sort
Overall, very exciting.
***** appears to be a text screen log. If that is the case, set it off in a graphic or indicate someone is reading it. The first sentence must start, "One" (capital letter). One step at a time is redundant with walked. You could just say I walked (cautiously)....
"Baby..." changes the activity from walking to talking, but not in real time, to someone else with a symbiote. What I mean is: "your" refers back to "Baby" in English. At this point it is unclear who the listener is. Perhaps the speaker is talking to his/her symbiote. If that is the case, the conversation is with (himself/herself) as an entity with a symbiote, not human.
In the paragraph, "I walked..." Indicates that the speak is the one who has the symbiote. This is confusing based on what I read earlier.
Is there some kind of link to the listener, which is not identified as yet? The situation is quite intriguing in any case.
"shot" is a transitive verb, requiring an object. You could use "fired," which is intransitve. Or you can say, ...shot their weapons.
The speaker from the beginning is "Devil"?
Where is "ULS" defined? Did I miss that one? Also, FMP (a designation) and SAI. (a piece of equipment?)
Misuse of him(:). Start an new sentence instead. "him. The two were..."
"Devil, I'm online. Delta 4-2, are you there?," said the voice in my helmet.
"Roger that." I...
The punctuation mark (-) is frequently misused. You could delete all of them. Evem if you meant (--) it is still misused.
Alpha 3 is coming. Not "are"
Not sure what "Frrz" means. Some kind of profanity?
(one step in front of the other) feels like a mechanical movement. If that is not the case, its OK. If not, you do not need it, its wordy.
It can also sound like a long "a" sound like in "wait"
If you want a short "a" sound in Daith use ă. But do not include the "i" Also, the final "h" makes a smooth ending sound. If you want the "t" to be strong, remove the "h".
I recommend you to include a phonetics list in the beginning. That way you do not need to mark all the vowels throughout the book and you can keep the original spelling. In that list you could put the accent mark ( ́) over the "a" in Deena. "ee" is a long e sound ē.
ī is phonetics mark for a long "i" sound like in "site". The problem with unmarked vowels in English names is that they can be long or short, depending on the country of origin. There are very few original American English names. In summary, use the diacritical marks above or use a phonetics list in the beginning.
Well, can't be helped. Like I wrote before, please gimme your feedback and report mistakes on the translation by DM or comment, it's gonna help a lot.
Enjoy :*